You Won! Now Go Home.

Apparently making beautifully executed, perfectly inspired, gorgeous clothing isn’t enough to get you past the judges.

Why did they even bother having a challenge this week?  Once they got rid of Logan they knew exactly which of the five remaining designers was going to make it to Fashion Week.  Why go through the charade of having them compete in one last challenge?  Because if you looked at just what went down the runway last night…not at their bodies of work…then the wrong people are going to New York this season.

They went to the Getty Center in LA, which apparently is filled with beds and fountains and paintings and whatnot.  It was meant to be inspirational.  Okay, sure.  I get it.  They do this a lot for the last challenge.  That way everyone plays to their own strengths.  No one gets sent home for not being good at pants (which they obviously all suck at cause we’ve seen, like 2 pair).

They walked around with their models (totally unnecessary) and then sketched something and went to Mood for the last time.  Bye Mood.

In the workroom Tim dolled out his usual pithy advice.

Then it was time for the runway.

 

 

 

 

 

I have intentionally left names off of designs, so that you can just look at the designs and decide which one you like, without prejudice (something the judges had in spades last night).

I will start by talking about my favorite:  Gordana’s…

 

 

 

Gordana had the most beautiful dress yesterday…and I am sick to death of dresses by this point.  It was easy to see the Monet painting it was inspired by flowing through the amazing detail.  It flowed down the runway just like you would imagine a Monet would.  The worst they had to say about it was that they didn’t like the zipper.  The zipper.  Really.

 

This may be my favorite design OF THE SEASON.  But they gave her a “you didn’t take any risks with this” bullshit and sent her home.

WTF!!!!!

Didn’t take a risk?  You have sent every designer that took a risk home until today!  This was FUCKING GORGEOUS!  But they had obviously decided that she wasn’t going to fashion week no matter what she pulled out of her sewing basket.

Farewell, Gordana.  You weren’t my favorite, but if they were just judging yesterday’s challenge, you would have won a spot at Bryant Park.  I wish you great success, and if you don’t have anything better to do with that dress, feel free to send it my way.  I have a wedding this summer…

Now let’s look at my least favorite:

Althea

 

Oh Geez…really?

Inspiration:  the architecture of the actual building.

She wanted to do something architectural.  Yeah.  Missed the mark completely.

The skirt is a freak show.  A hot tranny mess to quote a quotable former contestant.  The fabric puckered all over the place when she tried to pleat, fold, oragami or whatever the crap she thought she was doing to the skirt.  When I think architecture, I think of last years winner, Leanne

Yeah, now you see just how crappy Althea’s is, don’t you?

The shirt was nonexistent…give my boys a pair of scissors and some sheer fabric and they could come up with that.

I just can’t even describe how much I HATE this look.  The judges were “disappointed”  because of “execution” issues.  But, guess what, we’ve decided that you get to go through anyway.  ASSHOLES!

She only barely beat out Irena for the bottom spot in my estimation.

Irena

 

SHUDDER

Maude!…oh Maude…your dress is right over here…

Inspiration:  Diophanis ladies draped in gauze.  dripping with sarcasm Yeah, oh yeah I see that.  NOT!

I can’t imagine who this would be flattering on, since it makes the MODEL look dowdy and shapeless.  The neckline is nice, and the back was interesting in a J-Lo slutty kind of way.

The color was…well it was what it was.

The skirt looks like she is getting ready for a square dancing competition.

And, Irena, you don’t have to put a sash/belt on everything you make.  Though in this case, it kept it from looking like a christmas tree halloween costume.

Retching noises.

But when you design something that makes a 100 pound model (okay, 100 pounds wet model) look frumpy, you suck.

From the bottom back to the top.  I loved this design:

 

It wasn’t everyone’s favorite.  But I love the fact that it was inspired by a stone fountain.  A building full of art and the designer is inspired by a fountain.  My kind of designer.

It is uber-flattering.  Most women don’t like to wear corset designs because they are a little uncomfortable.  But, girlfriends, done right they are extremely slimming.  And this one pulls it off just right with the little ribbon belt in the middle.

It isn’t without issues.  I agreed with the judges that the fabric for the skirt was a little stiff.  But then, if you think about it, it was inspired BY A STONE FOUNTAIN!  Ugh.  They weren’t even pretending to judge this challenge.  I would have sent the designer of this look to Fashion week.  And that statement about kills me because the designer is, wait for it…CHRISTOPHER!

Yes, Christopher opened up the waterworks again, and used some for his inspiration.

The top was great…kind of what I think Althea wanted to do but flaked out on.  The flowy top incorporated the water and the algae (boy did he have a hard on for the algae) into the design.  The algae showed up again in the hand painting on the skirt (which I think he didn’t need, but he just had to bring in more algae.  Is that like fashion designer cowbell?)

Good job, Christopher.  Now go home.

Last but not least was the middle of the pack and another f*%&ing pretty dress:

Carol Hannah

 

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Seen this a THOUSAND times before.  Don’t exactly see how this related to the Louis XIV silver-draped bed that was her inspiration, but obviously having anything to do with your inspiration didn’t matter much to the judges.

Carol Hannah does this well.  And she does it over and over and over and over.  Expect 12 pretty dresses at fashion week.

Would it kill someone to make a f*%&ing pair of pants!

So Carol makes it through.  Yawn.

That is the problem with this whole season.  YAWN.

 

 

RST Mother of the Year

DWTS Porn?

What was with the porno with Derek and Joanna?  Who thought THAT was a good idea.  So much for family friendly…

Louis’ pants:

Too hilarious!

I love it when the celebrities get to design their partner’s outfits.

RST (Random Smiley Thing) Free Dog Souls!

Thanks so much to Beth, who sends me the greatest stuff.

This really happened at churches that face each other across the street.  Where, I could not say…

 

Christopher lives on…

I wonder if it is hard for Christopher to watch himself on the show.  I know it’s hard for me.

My brother is convinced that he has somehow put a curse on the judges.  I think perhaps the judges are just f*%&ing nuts.

The challenge was to take a look they had done before, and create a companion outfit using the first as inspiration.  Snooze.  It would be a great idea, if any of the looks from this season had been exciting.  I can hear the producers now:  ”Hey, let’s take the boring shit they made before, and make them do something to try and redeem themselves.  You know, give them the chance to really go for it and take a design from blah to OH BABY.”  Apparently the producers forgot that they were dealing with talentless hacks.   Okay, okay…that might be a little harsh.  But the fact that everything they have made could be racked at the local department store does not inspiring faith in their haute couture abilities.

Again, Christopher managed to dodge the bullet and stay on, and on, and on…  God, it’s like Freebird on repeat.  There was very little redeeming about the dress that ate another dress, then pooped it out,  throwing in a little wrinkled tin foil for good measure.  I remember when I really liked his designs.  The same way I remember college:  fondly, but it’s been so long it’s hard to believe it really happened.  I wish I could come up with some pivotal moment when he turned to the dark side.  But it escapes me. One day he was good, and then he was crap.  Maybe that should be Heidi’s new line.

Good bye sweet, lovely Logan.  How pretty you were.  How pretty your clothes weren’t.  My sister thought that perhaps they were holding back on him because he would be around for a long time.  But now she thinks they never showed him because he was boring.  Yup.  I’m going with that theory.  The only excitement came from Althea thinking he had stolen her zippered collar idea.  Well, even if he did, it was fugly…she was right not to say anything that might put her name in the minds of the judges at the same time as Logan’s dress.  Logan, when we all thought “he should have done more with the zippers” on your original dress, we did not mean buy 40 of them and slap them all over a bad 80’s cyborg costume.

Some tension between (Irena) the Tsarina and Althea.  In front of Heidi and God the Tsarina accused Althea of stealing her sweater design.  Because, God knows, Tsarina is the only person to ever think of making a sweater before. That’s like saying “Hey, I made a dress last week, and now everyone is making dresses!  They’re stealing my idea!” And how would Althea known to buy the knit sweater fabric at Mood, if she hadn’t originally sketched a sweater?

We always knew she was a bitch, but she was a behind the scenes snarky bitch.  Now she is trying to “sabatoge” other designers.  Although, luckily for the other designers she totally sucks at it.  As a person who occasionally sews, I can reassure you that Gordana would have managed just fine without the hook and eye.  But Tsarina’s refusal to aid a fellow designer shows that she has no class, and will probably go far in fashion.

What I wouldn’t give for some separates, (except for the Chewbacca outfit).  I envision Heidi coming out and announcing the challenge is “make a pantsuit”…and all of them would make dresses.  Oh all the pretty dresses. All the f*%&ing pretty dresses.

So, was anyone else laughing their arse off when they showed Tsarina not being named winning designer?  Shock and awe!  How could she not win?  Giggle giggle. I love it when the bitch gets slapped.  Love it.

So…now there are, how many are left?  Am I supposed to care?  This endless season is not so much charging towards a finale as limping away and crying uncle.  Maybe I will too.  If it weren’t for Tim Gunn I don’t think I could muster the strength to watch anymore.  I hate it when you are routing against the bad guy (who shall remain nameless but rhymes with meana) instead of throwing all your enthusiasm behind someone you like.

Random Smiley Things

New category for the Blahg…Random Smiley Things.  These will be the things that I find or are forwarded to me that just simply make me smile.

I was forwarded this a while ago, and put it up on FB.

Too true, too funny.

DWTS

Who the F*@% thought it would be a good idea to bring back the grumble grumble Dance Off?!?!?!?!  Lousy awful nasty television.

And when are they finally going to get rid of Samantha!  Talking about Louis getting to first base with Chelsea?  puking noises

A Little Late…Okay, A Lot Late

Oh Project Runway.

Disappointed head nod, with clucking

Christopher must be blackmailing someone.  There is no reason why he should still be haunting the poor, pitiful runway this cycle.  I can’t imagine that the producers are keeping him on for his personality.  Unless you count crying as personality.  I don’t.

Not only are his garments poorly made, but they can barely be called designs.  Four weeks in a row on the bottom, and every week they pass him over.  WTF.  And while I appreciate that the longer he stays the better my friend Megan does in her pool, he really has to go.  I can’t imagine what kind of JC Penny mother of the bride collection he would squeeze out through tears to the world at Fashion Week.  And I really don’t want to.

And I know a lot of people liked Irena’s cowl neck cow brown flashback.  I am not one of them.  It was a costume in one of the few challenges that didn’t explicitly ask for one.   Anyone else flash to an Austin Powers movie when it came down the runway? A peep hole back on a sweater, covered by a fur vest.  Think about that for a minute.  It will be cold in Aspen or Tahoe or whatever exotic locale Michael likes to go to in the winter, and you are wearing a cutout.  Not only is this just a general comfort and warmth issue, but a THO issue.  Can’t wear a bra with the giant cut out.  Perky though a young model’s tits may be, most people don’t like the headlights on high beam in mixed company.  But maybe the cowl neck was just big and hideous enough to cover the girls at attention.  And I like cowl necks.  Just not that one, with the Chewbacca vest.  Groan.

Hello…

Logan…

is this thing on?

Do you have a point of view, other than “I am adorable and that might just get me through this”?  He is all but invisible to the editors.  The only time he is on camera is if Carol Hannah is talking about how distracted she is by his cuteness.  I would like to be distracted more often by that cuteness, but they NEVER SHOW HIM.  I fear he will be auf’ed soon.  Well, he’ll have to be to keep Christopher around…(can’t you just see it:  the manilla envelope in Heidi’s car one day after the shoot…)

Who the hell picked this group of designers?  I want loud bitchy people!  Personalities that soak up all the oxygen!  Not passive aggressives, boys that cry,  and meth addicts.  I get enough of that at home.  Where is Santino with his spot on Tim Gunn impersonation?  Where is Christian with the catchy catch phrase?  Where is Wendy Pepper (and who the f*@% would have ever thought we would miss Wendy Pepper?)?

I Love the Runway.  I practically vibrate when they start the previews.  But I have never been less impressed.  I still don’t remember some of their names without prompting.  How does a group of designers with any talent and vision blow the Bob Mackie challenge!!!????  I could have put something more visually interesting out on the runway than this group!  When they allow you to go crazy, you don’t do another round of pretty dresses.  All they need now is a men’s wear challenge to really ratchet up the snooze fest.  Perhaps a flannel pajamas challenge?  Oh, I know…house coats!

Maybe it is something about the water, or the sand, or the good weather.  But L.A. and the Runway don’t seem to get along.   I fear I will have to write this off as the Lost Year and just count on witty Project Rungay banter to see me through (if you haven’t read “Tim Gunn is Tired of Your Bullshit“, you MUST)

Smile and Wave, Boys…

My brother recently posted some clips from Madagascar.  Not one of my favorite movies.

But he made a grave error.  He said that the two poop jokes made by the monkeys were the only two funny moments in the movie.

I’m not sure what he was smoking…because the funniest moments in the movie are delivered by the penguins:

vi2813002009

Glower…loses?

So I had mentioned before about the word “glower” appearing with alarming frequency in the Twilight books.  Last time I was at the library, they miraculously had Twilight on the shelves, so I thought I would read it again and count…to satisfy my own curiosity.

Well spank my bottom and call me sugar…she only uses it  5 times!

No one was more surprised than me!

It’s possible that I missed one or two, but that is still way less than I would have put money on.  She certainly uses stare more (and cold chest, but that’s for another post)  Perhaps the word sticks out because it is something we don’t use in daily conversation.  I don’t know.

I apologize to Stephenie Meyer and to her editor.  I was wrong.