The Oscars…What the F@*% Were They Thinking?

So, it’s almost midnight, and I just finished watching the Oscars on my DVR (the only way to do it).  These are my impressions:

Vibrant blue was the cursed color this evening.  Everyone who wore it looked awful.  Frieda Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire) was wearing an ill-fitting one sleeved dress.  


She is a beautiful young lady who looked like she lost the arm of the dress in a Filene’s Basement tug of war.  And is her foundation garment showing through?  What is the lighter panel across her belly (yeah, right, like she has a belly!)

Queen Latifah, though she sang beautifully, looked uneven in her black sash over royal blue strapless.  And don’t even get me started on Reese Witherspoon!  What the f@*% was she thinking?  No pictures available yet, so I will try to paint a picture for you… Black and blue makes you look like a giant bruise.  Then there were the asymetrical straps over nude mesh that stopped just after her shoulders!  It was a mess.   

Headline:  Beautiful, Petite Actress Swallowed by Ginormous Dress!

If I had a size 0 figure (hell, if I had a size 6 figure) I wouldn’t burry it under layers of tulle.  Look at Marion Cotillard:

She is suffering from the cursed blue and the abundance of fabric that makes her look like she is in a costume, not a dress.  Other offenders were Sarah Jessica Parker


And Miley Cyrus


What would posses her to wear dragon scales that look like an oil spill on a sandy beach.  It is too bad, because the silloutte is perfect on her.  Lose the belt and the styling and she looks amazing.

I felt that only one person did this look right.  It was…


Penelope Cruz.  Flawless.  The dress is 60 years old, but she makes it look brand new.  She can also pull off the “look of the night”:  the glittery neutral.

This is a worrying trend for the normal women of the world.  We do not have a spray tan on call, and most of us don’t have nearly the skin tone to pull off these colors.  Everyone had on these almost nudes:

Anne Hathaway


Evan Rachel Wood

Did they just pleat her skin?

SJP and Nicole Kidman, Tina Fey and Goldie Hawn.  It seemed the closer to your real skin tone the better.  However, for me, that would mean wearing something that matched the complexion of a plucked chicken.  Not a good look.

No amount of being on point for color could save Jessica Beil from her awful choice of sillouette.

The skirt is stiff, but you could forgive that.  What I can’t forgive is her forgetting to take the napkin out of her top before leaving the table at the pre-party.  She is the body that snagged JT, and she is lost behind this giant glob of fabric that just makes her look schlumpy.

Another major disappointment that there is no photo of online yet was Whoopie Goldberg.  Now, I know that none of us expect much from Ms Goldberg.  God bless her, but I wonder if she owns a mirror.  Tonight, she decided to don a leopard print doosey with bell sleeves and a low cut front that let a little of her chest tatoo show through.  Now, the dress in and of itself was atrocious.  But you cannot have a leopard print fighting for attention with a large, colorful tatoo.  Angelina can pull it off because she doesn’t wear things that compete with her body art.  Whoopie looked ridiculous.  Is it too much to ask for people to try? 

But by far the WORST dressed person at the awards was the incomparable Mickey Rourke.

He takes home the prize, but only barely snatched the win from Tilda Swindon

who always looks like she threw on something she found in the Penny’s Mother of the Bride section.

And don’t get me started on Sophia Lauren!  I won’t say anything bad because she is a legend.  But the dress speaks for itself.

What the f@*% were they thinking?

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