To: The Mother of the Year Nomination Committee
Thank you for forwarding me the nomination form for Mother of the Year. I can’t imagine what you were smoking when you decided to send this to me. But since the children are not in the midst of killing either each other or the dog, and the chilli mac is simmering for its 14 minutes on the range, I will go ahead and humor you.
NUMBER AND AGES OF CHILDREN:
I have three boys. Yup. Three. Boys. I am sure you are making that face…the one that expresses your shock and awe that a mere mortal could handle such an affliction. That is usually followed by the “I feel sorry for you” head tilt.
Their ages are old enough to be on the potty but not old enough to drive. Which means this award should really be for Chauffeur of the Year. I had all three of them within the span of 4 years. I am a reproductive overachiever. My husband and I won’t even share a toothbrush anymore.
TELL US YOUR GLORIOUS BIRTH STORY
When you push a ham through a sausage casing we’ll see who thinks “glorious” is still a good adjective.
WHAT IS YOUR MOTHERING STYLE
Whatever is working that day. I have tried the naughty chair, the time out, bribery, appealing to their sense of fair play, yelling, hollering, and benign neglect. None seem to work.
WHAT IS YOUR DAILY GOAL FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN
Survival. If they all go to bed alive I celebrate with champagne.
TELL US SOME OF YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS AS A MOTHER
Well, there was the time the oldest stepped on the youngest’s hand with his ice skates on. Or the time the middle child opened the oldest’s head with a launched Hot Wheel. He walked through the house with blood running down his elbows because I didn’t believe he was really that hurt. No, I think my favorite was when I threw a pair of socks in anger and pelted one of the boys with them. Oh wait, I forgot about the time I closed my oldest’s thumb in the door, and then slammed the door harder because it wouldn’t shut. But then there was also the day where they had McDonalds for lunch AND dinner, because I was just too lazy to cook.
Speaking of cooking, there is all the shameful crap I feed them on a consistent basis: pop tarts, fruit roll ups, donuts, potato chips, soda, Kid Cuisine, frozen waffles, fast food…the list is really endless. I have one that won’t eat meat or starch, one that won’t eat anything but meat and starch, and one that likes chilli for breakfast. If you know any good organic nitrate-free recipes that will work for this lot, feel free to forward them to me so I can ignore them.
HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUR CHILD(REN) SOCIAL CONSCIOUSNESS
We put change in the Ronald McDonald House charity box. And when people come to the door to ask us to save the whales or impeach the president, I have taught them to wave no and walk away. Never answer the door, never!
WHAT IS YOUR TYPICAL BEST DAY AS A MOTHER
Babysitter days. I have always believed that a babysitter has earned her money if I return and the house is not a smoldering ruin and the children are alive. And there are days when that is all I can manage as a mother. These are usually my best days because I don’t worry that the back door is blocked by a mountain of laundry. I don’t care that they are eating olives for lunch. The little one wants to wear shorts even though there is a winter storm warning? Why not? They aren’t my children. At least not today.
SUM UP WHY YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BE MOTHER OF THE YEAR
If you are looking for the home-schooling, organic buying, saving the world through her penny collection type of mom, well, I don’t even come close. I slog through each day with the resolve of a platoon leader. My mother says: “the years go by so fast, but the days can last forever.” Never were truer words spoken. But if you want someone who loves her kids with the aggressive fire of a momma bear, who can’t wait to teach them how to throw a curve ball, and will watch and discuss Star Wars ad nauseum…I’m your woman.
Well, the chilli mac is boiling over and the children are playing “let’s try to punch each other in the penis”, so I gotta run. Good luck with your search.