I went to New Moon yesterday evening.
There, I said it. I am one of the crazy people. I didn’t line up at midnight, but I saw it during the opening weekend.
I sat through over two hours of two beautiful boys fighting over the most unremarkable teenage girl ever.
I giggled at the shudder that ran through the theater anytime one of the beefcakes took off their shirt.
I had impure thoughts about a certain wolfy 17 year old.
I felt shame, and loved every minute of it.
The movie is a definite improvement over the original Twilight movie. The special effects were actually fairly special. The pacing was better.
There isn’t much to say about it, because there isn’t much to it. It’s a teen romance. There is no real struggle between good and evil, unless you count everyone prattling on about whether or not vampires have a soul. It is mindless entertainment, and good at it.
It was not without problems:
Edward still suffers from some of the worst make up artistry in the business. They had painted him some kind of hue that made it look like he was the only one filmed in black and white. Except for his lips. They need to reign in the red lipstick.
There were some seriously distracting wardrobe issues. Carlisle wears this all white preppy polo outfit at the birthday party that made you step out of the movie and say “What the f%*& is he wearing?!” And Alice, who is supposed to be this little fashionista, was dressed up like my grandmother in the fifties. First she has on some sort of painter’s smock, and then wears the most unflattering and unfashionable jacket through the scenes in Italy. She might be 100 years old, but trust me, at any age, you want to dress like a teenager. Why is she in such matronly clothes? And the wacky hair was gone. I liked the wacky hair.
Speaking of hair… Jacob’s hair extensions were a joke. Jasper’s do was just…ugh. A very attractive man made hideous by a hair cut that I can’t even describe. The best I can come up with is it reminds me of Fisher Price hair. And would someone please teach the boy how to look tortured by blood thirst without looking like he is desperately trying to hold in a poo? It shouldn’t be too hard.
Bella jumps off a cliff into the ocean. We are given a wide shot of it early in the movie: big tall cliff, breaking waves. No beach. Yet when Jacob pulls her out of the water, he revives her on this wide expanse of black sandy beach. Not a cliff in sight. Nowhere. They cut to Sam standing at the foot of a cliff…but there is at least 20 feet of beach between that cliff and the water. No one can jump that far out. And you don’t cliff dive into water off of a beach, unless you are hoping not to survive, since it is usually pretty shallow. Maybe I am the only person that would notice something like that.
And the whole theater giggled when Aro watched Alice “remembering” Bella and Edward splendoring through the grass after Bella becomes a vampire. She is wearing a dress. They are running, slow motion, through the woods. It was ridiculous and silly and damn near unwatchable.
Okay, rant over. No movie is perfect. Okay, Field of Dreams, but we’re not going to go there today.
So, why do all of us Twilight nerds love it so much?
I think I can speak for the women when I say its the boys. Not the actors. But the fact that two supernaturally spectacular boys both are so crazy in love with such an ordinary girl. Every one of us who reads these books sees ourselves as hideously normal, unnoticeable. So we plop ourselves into Bella’s place and let the boys fight over us. Oh yeah.
So we will fight through the shame of getting together as a group, comparing teams (I am team Jacob), and enjoying something deep in our souls we know we shouldn’t.