Mmmm…Mmmm…Good?

This week they decided to make someone happy.  It was the inspirational women challenge.

Campbell’s was having some kind of shindig to raise awareness for heart health.  They wanted red dresses and lots of them, dammit.  And make them shiny!  And make sure they say “Campbell’s” on there somewhere!

The inspirational women?… Heart disease/defect survivors.  The Crier wasn’t the only one shedding tears when their new models told their stories.  Beautiful, sensual women who have been in most cases to hell and back.  So imagine my surprise when it seemed that their true disability was not their heart complications, but the fact that they are, shock and horror, larger than a size 2!

Gasp!  Recoil with hand to mouth.

Oh sweet size 12…everyone was tripping over themselves talking about what a challenge it is to work with real women…”I’ve never done anything bigger than a size four before”…”I love having the opportunity to deal with real women”.  Blah, blah, blah.  Even Tim Gunn said something patronizing.  Not my Tim!

I’m sorry.  But don’t most designers make a living designing clothes that ultimately get sold to real women?!?!?!?!?   This should not be rocket science people!  If you want to design, you should be begging your neighbors, your sisters, your cleaning lady to let you design for them.  Here’s an idea…if it looks good on a real woman, it will look good on a model.  The inverse is NOT true.  I am furious.   The whole lot of them can jump off the roof of the Atlas building for all I care.

raspberries… RASPBERRIES!

Other problems:  anti heart disease campaign from an industry you can’t model in without starving yourself.  You know the number one reason people suffering from anorexia or bulemia die?  Heart failure.

And Campbell’s soup?  Do you realize that there are 751mg of sodium in a serving of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup?  That’s 31+% of your daily allotment.  And a serving is a third of a can.  Yeah, that’s heart healthy.

Oops.  Ow…just fell of my soapbox.  Just a little mad at the whole stupid episode right now.

I am furious that they are such a bunch of hot house flowers, and that this:

was in the top three.

Maya put this disaster down the runway.  It was drapey in a haphazard sort of way.  The fabric ended at the hip, extending her silhouette in the wrong direction.  And I am sorry, the half heart shape created yet another boob sling.  The gold looked dirty and the whole thing was just a mess, unless you are into gold snakes poised to attack your nipple.  No thanks.

Who should have rounded out the top three?…glad you asked.

Ben

Welcome Ben!!

So nice of you to show up.  This dress was amazing.  The model looked gobsmacking gorgeous and you could tell she felt it.  I think perhaps they overlooked him because:

A.  They aren’t sure he is really on the show, since the editors only decided this week to introduce his existence.

B.  He wore a sleeveless red polo with a bow tie.  (For that he should be sent to Fashionista Prison).

Y’know, now that I think of it…I’m also pissed that this one was up top as well:

Mila

Granted, it was perfectly sewn, and all the elements made sense.  But all I could think of was if you did this in a blue base and a white base, they could use it for the group number in the Miss America pageant.  Can anyone say costume?

I’m a little perplexed as to what the judges continue to see in Mila.  There may have been a manilla envelope in a car somewhere (although I am still convinced that was Christopher’s modus operandi).  Or perhaps, just perhaps, the judges are just plain wrong.  They blasted Jesus for a lack of taste.  They don’t think Big-Ass Stars aren’t lacking a certain level of taste?   I do.

At least the judges got the Winner right.

Amy

It was the perfect amount of flowy.  It was gala worthy (why anyone made a short dress for a gala wear is beyond me) and glamorous.  The model looked perfect and you loved it the minute she stepped out in it.  The picture can’t show how it moved, which was like butter.  There were some construction issues, and  I’m undecided about the unfinished edges.  Overall:  bravo!

Now to the other end of the spectrum:

Anna

Um…really?

I’m speechless.  Is that a nude bathing suit?  The front is bad enough (don’t get me started on the hair), but this is unforgivable:

pr7-ep4-rr-anna-b.jpg


How do you take a lovely young woman and turn her into a refugee from the East German Women’s Weight Lifting Team?  Well, Anna?  How do you?  If there was a silloutte less suited for this lovely woman, I can’t think of it.  A complete failure on every level.  I guess designing for a real woman is just waaaay beyond a girl that weighs 87 lbs wet.

Moving on…

Capt Jack

Wow, the hits just keep on coming.

Capt. Jack(ass), maybe it wasn’t all Ping’s fault you were in the bottom last week.

The dress was “fine”, nothing earth shatteringly bad, other than the fabric choice.

But then he made a jacket: puckered front seams, a strange neckline, an anemic color, a pocket square/corsage/folded napkin where a lapel would be on a jacket that was way too short.  Way too short.  Not only does this show a lack of sewing skills (this from the man who spent the whole last show giving out lessons) but an even greater lack of imagination.

Its true we haven’t seen this before…because it is god awful.

But the aufing honors went to poor Jesus.

Jesus

Well, it isn’t a runway show until they send someone out dressed like a hooker.

Is there really more to say?  Rhinestone straps, short hem, shiny fabric, pleated Campbell’s fabric  as side inserts…oh, my eyes!!  They burn!  THEY BURN!  Let’s face it…the little sweetie didn’t have a chance.

If this is what they are going to do for real women, I want the models back.

P.S.

Okay producers.  The time for the pretty dresses challenges is OVER.  We suffered through a whole season of them.  I want a postal uniform.  I want an Olympic outfit.  I want something not for real women but for real life.  Show me the designers know how to make sportswear, or menswear, or something other than a dress.  PLEASE.  If it means giving them more time then give them more time.

I’m begging you.

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