On Empty

That’s it.  They have officially run out of ideas for challenges on Project Runway.

Sorry guys, no matter how many times you try to ram it down my throat that this is the BIGGEST reward in the history of Project Runway, you cannot make me forget that you are having Heidi, your executive producer/spokesmodel/judge for life wearing the winning project on the cover of Marie Claire, the magazine that sponsors your show.   Gee, did you bang that one out during a coffee break, or did it take a whole half hour lunch?  Must have been tough to get everyone to agree, I mean since you all have an economic interest in the show succeeding.  Please.

Soon it will be like Dirty Jobs, when they come on at the end and beg for ideas.

There was little in the way of chatter on the show this week, unless you count Seth Aaron’s stream of consciousness babbling, or Mila’s self indulgent rant about no one congratulating her on last week’s top three finish. sniffle sniffle

Apparently the designers listen to directions about as well as my kids.  The Marie Claire editor was very specific about what the designers needed to consider:  most cover shots are from above the waist, don’t use black, it needs to pop on the newstand, and remember, they will write all over the cover, sometimes over the model, so no prints.

List of those for whom the best part of the dress was at or below the waist:  Capt. Jack, Jay, Amy, JonathanMila

List of those who used a neutral color palate (aka no pop):  Mila, Jonathan, Maya, The Crier, Jay.

List of those who used black and/or prints:  Amy, who holds the honor of being the only person to use black and a print in the same dress.

List of outfits more suited for the Ice Capades:  Emilio and Jonathan.

And we’re off…

The bottom:


Mila decided to make a landing strip straight to the model’s crotch.  This, of course, after wrapping her in an Ace bandage. Mila’s excuse was that the beige looked a lot more peachie in the workroom.  Sweetie, more peach really wasn’t going to save you in this instance.

Bandage dresses can work (look at Herve Leger if you have any doubts) but this one simply doesn’t.  There were construction issues:  puckered seams everywhere you look, none of the points lined up, and why would you put a brown triangle in that spot?  Why?

There was a certain joy to watching the judges take her down a notch or two.  It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of her work.  If we’re lucky this experience will slap the snooty out of her.  Yeah, I doubt it too.

NEXT!

The Crier

She didn’t burst out into all out tears, but she was on the verge throughout almost the entire episode.  She correctly foresaw that she would be in the bottom two.  But then again, anyone who paid attention to her fabric choices knew that would happen.  To say it was a little bridal is like saying Heidi is a little preggos.


Where to begin?  The model looked more like she was upholstered than dressed.  Heavy fabric with scalloped seams that just about met up at the waistline.  There was a badly executed sidefall hem, and then some sort of kleenex meets kelp treatment on the shoulders.  Her inspiration was the ocean (sure…when I think Heidi I think…yeah…not the ocean).  The only thing it had in common with the sea is that it makes me sick.

She was saved by the fact that she hadn’t been in the bottom three before.  In fact, I doubt Michael or Nina was even sure who she was.  If she had had even one oops before this, she would have been gone.

Unfortunately, the auf’ed did spend some time in the bottom before:

Anna(rexic)


Well, she spent a lot of time on the shorts.  That was time well spent.

cough cough

I have to say, this is a really cute look for my 12 year old niece.  The little tank top is adorable.  Would you ever use Heidi and adorable in the same sentence?  “Heidi’s baby is adorable.”, is the best I can come up with.   If you could think of a way to make it a little older and a lot more sexy she might have been onto something.

My auf vote would have gone to The Crier.  Yes, Anna’s was too young and shapeless, but it was beautifully sewn.  The Crier’s was a mess from soup to nuts.  I see a cab ride to JFK in her future.

Upwards:

Emilio


Seriously?  All I could think of was Sasha Cohen


(she’s an Olympic ice skater), and how cute that would look in the junior’s department.

The judges liked it so much that they had Emilio whip out a pair of sheers and cut the straps off.  Huh?  How could you put it in the top three and them have him CUT THE STRAPS OFF?  I don’t understand these judges.  Does this mean that the field was so weak that to round out the top three they had to pick the one they didn’t like the least?  Oi.

At least he had been paying attention during the instructions:  the lacing detail would show up well on a cover, it popped, and it would be a great color on Heidi.  The one thing he paid no attention to was the fact that when she would wear this, she would be nursing.  The girls would jump out of there like my boys in a bouncy house.  There isn’t enough wardrobe tape in the New York Metropolitan area to keep them in the top of that dress (especially since it now lacks straps).

Speaking of color:


Ben is finally starting to show who he is as a designer.  While I know that this wasn’t everyone’s favorite, I really liked it.  Heidi can pull off “constructed” like no other, and this took a deconstructed idea, and gave it a solid feel.  Another thing I appreciated was that the skirt was longer than legally necessary.

The construction was flawless and very detailed.  This colorwork put Mila to shame:  rich, luxurious.  Very well played Ben, well played.

And the winner is:

ANTHONY!!

Golf clap


Now, I will admit my bias for Anthony up front.  He is my favorite personality on the show, and I would love to see him stick around as long as possible.  How do you not love someone who reads the Bible half naked in bed and then uses it to hit Jay awake?

I was concerned when I saw his sketch for this one.  It was two toned and a lot more ruffley.  But he took Tim’s advice, leaving off anything it didn’t need, and it turned out extremely well.

The strap is perfect for a magazine cover.  It would have texture and shadow and gives a hint as to what the dress would be like, without giving it all away.  The color was perfection, on Heidi and just about any other woman.  The back was a little weak…there were tiers that didn’t match up, but who’s gonna see the back?  (I’m very forgiving with my Anthony)

Notes to the Producers:

Once again I could tell who was going to be left on stage by the edit before the first commercial break.  I am never sure why they will be there, but I can always give you at least three people that will be sweating it out on the runway after the judging.

Seth Aaron and Anna(rexia) came through for me and made pants.  But I am seriously up to here with the pretty dresses challenges.  (I am as sick of saying it as you are of hearing it.)  Some of that is the challenges themselves, and some of that is the time constraints.  I would like to see them get some more time and really show us what they can do.  I have to admit that I don’t understand the need to have 12 hour time frames.  I’m sure it creates more drama and more people teetering on the edge of not finishing, but it means that most of them send pretty crappy stuff down the runway.  Michael Kors couldn’t design the jeans he wears in 12 hours, let alone design, sew and accessorize them and make a shirt too so the model doesn’t go down topless.

So, my sister and I came up with some challenges that we would like to see:

Bridal gown.  Our twist…tell them they can’t use white or ivory or cream or bone or…you get the idea.  Think of the points of view we would get in that challenge (the plaid punk extraveganza Seth Aaron would produce would be reason enough in this season).

Hand sewing.  Tell them they can make whatever they want, but it has to be hand sewn.  That would inspire some serious panic.

Uniform.  They have done a postal uniform and an outfit for the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.  What about UPS?  C’mon, you should be able to think of something.

Next show…kids challenge.  This should be awful.  I would hate to be the schmuck that goes home because of this one.  I’m going with Mila, since colorwork is hard to do on such a small scale.  Also because she will probably scare the shit out of whatever poor little girl is her model.  I just don’t see her having a warm fuzzy side.  At least we can assume there will be more pretty dresses.  Jonathan must be kicking himself for using the romper idea this week…

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