Houston, We Have a Hooker Outfit…

Before I dig into the “fashions” we saw last night, let’s take a look at the new format, shall we?

I worried that 90 minutes would be too long, but with time shifting and no commercials, it was just right.  It wasn’t just the top and bottom in the “let’s get to know them” confessional sessions.  The pace for the designers may have been blistering, but I felt like my view of it was paced just right.  What will happen as there are fewer and fewer designers…well, we’ll just have to wait and see.

The show started with everyone meeting up in odd locales, then coming together to meet Tim and Heidi.

I hate Heidi’s hair.  She looks messy, she works better sleek.  Tim is elegance as always.

They drop the bomb that tonight is the final audition for the show.  At least one person will go home, possibly more (play ominous music here).  Okay, first of all, this was not the final audition for the show.  Basically the entire season is an audition for Bryant Park.  If they hadn’t filmed and showed this, then it would be an audition.  I guess the producers thought “as long as you never officially unpack at Atlas, you aren’t really a contestant.”  Well, producers, once again you are wrong.

Wrong doesn’t even begin to describe what happened with the judges, but I will get to that in a minute.

Bags in hand, they were told to take a piece from their own wardrobe to use in a look.  Then they made them all pass that piece to the right.  Poor Cassanova had pulled out his spankin’new D&G pants.  He almost fainted on the spot.  Although I think Ivy got the shortest end of the stick…Peach’s black and white toile pants.  There were some scarves, some shirts, some jackets and a kimono.  Why are the designers always wearing such ridiculous clothes?  Does not inspire confidence.

The usual mayhem ensued, yadda yadda yadda.  Other than Jason (known from now on as The Perv) being the biggest skank in the universe, there wasn’t too much of interest.  When The Perv went on and on about his model’s boobs and how they’re “right there” I threw up a little in my mouth.  Way to show your professionalism, buddy.  And who the hell picks a bowler hat as their substitute mohawk?  I can’t think of enough awful things to say about him.  Oh wait, I can.  His design, and I use that term grudgingly, was such a hot mess the sun took the afternoon off.


He took a lovely kimono and the 5 yards of fabric it afforded him and….wait for it…put it on his model backwards.  Yes ladies and gentlemen, that was his design.  Sorry…I forgot, he also cut a hole in one of the sleeves and put the model’s head through it.  But that didn’t work out so well, so he dropped it.  Then he stapled the mess together and sent it down the runway.  STAPLES!  retching noises

Cassanova, still reeling from the destruction of his $1,700 pants, has the distinction of showing this season’s first lady-of-the evening wear.


Sluts were blushing at the sight of this “garment”.  There is a fine line between JLo’s Versace dress from the Grammies and this, and though I can’t tell you where that line is, he crossed it.  Perhaps it is the nude color.  Perhaps it is that her black thong was showing.  Or perhaps Cassanova’s “slow English” meant he thought they were designing for Carnivale.  Whatever the reason, this shows the most glaring lack of taste in a first outfit I ever remember seeing.

Ivy missed the innovation bus as well.  She took her toile pants and made…wait for it


…toile pants!  Her defense was that she went for detail…look at the detail on the sides.  No thanks.  If I have to use a microscope to find your design, there is no design.  They thought her shirt looked like it went through a paper shredder.  I didn’t think it was that bad.  But you can’t make pants out of pants and expect to stay long.

However, stay they did.  These guys get through and they sent poor Utah with Dreads Girl home.


Granted, her dress was ill fitting and tasteless, but at least she made something original from the materials.  The skirt was too short and too voluminous, and side cleavage is never a hit with me.  However, this was not the worst garment out there.  Once again the judges miss the mark.

Speaking of the judges, I will let the winning outfit speak for itself.


pr8-ep1-gretchen-b.jpg


In case you have your computer muted, it is saying “THE JUDGES HAVE FINALLY LOST THEIR F*CKING MINDS!!”

They were wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.  Not only because I can think of at least three outfits that were leaps and bounds better, but also because I would have put this in the BOTTOM of the pack.  Yet they went out of their way to say that this was one of the most unanimous decisions they could remember.  Boo

Where do I start?  I wasn’t a big fan of the waterfall hem in the 80’s, when they were cool.  Certainly not a fan of them now.  Also disturbing were the epillette cap sleeves, which were uneven and attached in the back by some kind of sheer fabric panel that had no other purpose than to make me say to myself “why is there a sheer panel barely attached to this dress, it makes no sense!”  The whole thing was so boring and last century that I dismissed it the second I saw it.  But this wins.

There was one that I thought should clearly win, and that was Andy.


He did all of this in 5 hours, and it was perfect.  He shouldn’t have gone all black, I think that was too safe.  He should have chosen either the rice paddy hat or the chopsticks.  And he is going to have to tone down how themey it is.  But the fact that he could do something this intricate, this thoughtful and this well executed in 5 hours showed me that he’s the man to beat.

I don’t know what to do about these judges.  They started going wonky last year and if this episode is an indication of what’s to come, I see a lot of shouting at my TV in my future.  If these are the people steering my fashion destiny, it’s no wonder I can never find anything to wear.

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One thought on “Houston, We Have a Hooker Outfit…

  1. 1. First comment I made was, “I hate Heidi’s hair”. Can’t stand the cut or the color. Way too many layers and her hair looks dirty.
    2. I hated the winner’s dress. From the front it looked like a funeral dress, especially the way it was styled w/ the really conservative hair.
    3. I could have made the backwards kimono dress. If you can use staples on the show and get away w/ it, I could compete!
    4. I couldn’t stand the pants made into pants chic. She wouldn’t stop defending her work. There is a time when you say, “You’re right. I screwed up. Give me another chance.”.

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