In case you have been living under a log, you probably know that the Oscars were last night. I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love the fashion, or lack of it depending on the person. I usually, however, hate the actual broadcast. Let’s break the whole thing down:
Broadcast:
Anne Hathaway was a little too giggly for my taste, but at least she tried. James Franco, on the other hand, was the most lifeless thing on that stage, and I’m including the microphone. Not sure whether he was stoned or just scared shitless, but he was useless up there. The sideways deer-in-headlights scowl was annoying, his attempts at humor were laughless, and he didn’t even look his sexy best. If they want to stay young, they can keep Anne, but maybe give Justin Timberlake a try as the co host.
Anne Hathaway’s wardrobe was awful! And things started off so well. She wore the most sinfully beautiful red dress on the red carpet:
Could that have been prettier? I don’t think so. But then they let the crazy people who produce this show have a go at her, and she ended up with, well, nothing good.
The white one was alright, but nothing super special. She seemed horrifically uncomfortable in it…holding her hand over her abdomen as if she couldn’t breath. The tux was fine, but who wants to see her in a tux? (Franco in the Marilyn Monroe outfit was cringe-inducing, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, be thankful)
Tiers of tafetta…a little too young on the bottom, but too old lady lace on the top.
This number made her look schlumpy, something about the angle on the single shoulder dealie. It came off very casual on-screen.
The red one wasn’t so bad. Her blue dress was the perfect silhouette, but the fabric resembled some kind of blue reptilian alien skin. The last one? Don’t get me started on the last one. This picture almost makes it look like a decent dress. It wasn’t. It was possibly one of the least flattering garments I have ever seen, and I watch Project Runway. The unfortunate seaming up her boobs and the strange lace over nude fabric looked ridiculous. Shame on making a pretty girl look like a freak show.
I have to say that the show itself seemed to move along at a good clip. I didn’t notice those long, boring stretches that usually make the whole experience a mite tedious. The songs were fine, although I am so over Gwyneth Paltrow…but I’ll get to her later.
Awards:
Not a surprise in the bunch. Nothing is worse than a horse race with no upsets. Why bother having the awards if it always goes to the favorites? Snooze. I realize there is nothing the producers can do about this, but it is still mind numbingly boring to watch.
I am mystified as to why they made some of the male co-presenters change into somewhat matching outfits (Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law for example). And why couldn’t any of the men this year seem to find a coat that FIT! They all were straining their single buttons to the breaking point. You want a sleeker cut, fine, but the front row shouldn’t have needed to wear safety goggles.
The one bright spot in a parade of “I’d like to thank these people you’ve never heard of”‘s was when Melissa Leo dropped the f-bomb. Oh yes…girl friend…she did.
Alright, this is what you all came for…
The Fashions:
Before I begin, I want to start off by saying that I don’t care if the commentators said a dress looked much better in person. About 200 people saw it live. A billion saw it on TV…put it on and take a damn picture of yourself in it before wearing it to the Oscars…alright?
The Best:
Not usually a fan, but I loved this particular lace, I loved the color, and I loved the giant cut out in the back. She looked like the bombshell she is without looking slutty.
Jennifer Lawrence
Va-va-va-voom! Young Hollywood is taking the carpet by storm! Talk about stunning! She could have dressed it up a little more with some bling, but the dress fit her like a glove and I adored this the minute I spotted it.
Hailee Steinfeld
My one complaint is that she should have nixed the headband. Age appropriate, great color, very sweet.
Camila Alves
Matthew needs to spend less time in the sun, but the lovely Ms Alves looks FLAWLESS!
And BEST Dressed goes to (drumroll please)
Natalie Portman
Even pregnant she was gorgeous. Now granted, she had stunk up almost all of the other red carpets this season (can you say bordello red rhinestone rose?). And having the bump is no excuse for ugly frocks when you can ask any designer to MAKE ONE FOR YOU FROM SCRATCH. So I was thrilled to see her in this beautiful dress. The hair was perfect, the shoes were perfect, and while the DH loved her earrings, they were the one thing I would have changed. A hearty congratulations on the win and the outfit.
Moving on, we now come to the part of the evening we all love no matter how we strive to be better people than that…the worst dressed.
Sharon Stone
Good Lord, where do I begin? How about Sharon Stone in the most aggressive outfit I’ve seen in ages...
She looked like a crazy cougar lady with a Q-tip hair do. Bleck.
Reese Witherspoon
Then there was Reese Witherspoon in an 80’s inspired white and black ensemble that I swear to God I tried on for my own prom back in the day. She looked like a classic Barbie, but not in a good way.
Gwyneth Paltrow
Ugh. Really? First, she really made me angry when she did a G rated cover of one of my favorite songs. I hate hearing her butcher it in her passable voice on the radio. Note to Glee…stick with real singers, please.
Then she shows up in this breast-plate Zena warrior dress. Metallic gold with her fake tan and overly dark eyes made her look older than her years.
For her big Oscar hoe-down she wore something just as anemic. NEXT.
Nicole Kidman
What happened here? For once she lays off the Botox in time to have facial expressions. For once I actually like her hair. And when you see the dress you like it until you get to the hip extenders, the over done overly wide slit up the front, the orange shoes, and the tacky China-town embroidery. And her husband, the ever sexy Keith Urban, looked like he was wearing more makeup than she was. Family fail.
Melissa Leo
Well, our next honoree is the f-bomb lobber I mentioned earlier. Melissa Leo decided to wear a gold mylar balloon underneath a white cut-out cheongsam with an Elvis collar. Who sees that in the dressing room and says “Yes! That looks amazing?” Michelle needs better people. Someone should have had the courage to tell her “no”, or in her case “no f*cking way.”
The WORST (and no, it will not be Helena Bonham Carter…that’s just too easy) was:
- Cate Blanchett
What makes this so strange is that when I first saw it, I LOVED it. But then it started to nag at me.
I am sure there will be thousands of (mistaken) people who disagree on me with this one, but I am going to stand my ground. I love Ms. Blanchett. She so rarely has a fashion miscue that it is almost possible to overlook this one.
The color is divine. It works perfectly with her unearthly porcelain skin. And that is the sum total of what is good about this. We shall start at the bottom and work our way up, shall we?
The pleating on the skirt is a little Maude for my taste. But there wasn’t so much volume for that to be what makes this a no. Perhaps it was the beading at the abdomen that looked like two crab claws about to pinch her thighs. And while we are on the subject of the beading, it looked more and more like some kind of hideous incurable skin disease the more I looked at it. Especially as you came to her collar-bone and saw the strange splashes of yellow. That odd color continued down the back of the dress…as if some winged animal had pissed on her as she exited the limo.
The giant circle cut out around her chest reminded me of the old “Let’s Make a Deal” set (what’s behind curtain number three?!…) and the futuristic shape of the cap sleeves made it look like they belonged on a completely different dress.
I will give her best hair for the night, though.
The Blahg 
