Mae West Never Wore Pants

And Bert never learned his manners. Well, I guess we know who the villain is this cycle.

Stilts? Really? Team challenge. Nice.

They had to make a look for ladies in stilts. They had to work in teams. They had one day. They mostly failed.

The drama came from Victor and Bert who started bickering before they had even gotten to the workroom. They could agree on nothing, and Bert couldn’t wait to show off his knowledge of fashion history (boobs are Elizabethan in case you didn’t know).

Anya was with Oliver, The Hacker was with Kimberly, Runway Barbie was with Rockin’ One, Mean Girl was with Mousy Girl, Bryce and the girl with the great Pixie Hair, and Granola Girl and Josh (who looks like Frankie Goes to Hollywood and George Michael had a very smooth baby).

The teams are always interesting. Knowing that you will live or die by the work of your partner makes everyone act a little psycho, especially when some people are self taught. This was the case with Bryce and Pixie Hair. She didn’t know how to cut the fabric on her bodice, and that fubar-ed the whole thing.

Let’s hit the Runway. Coming in solidly in the middle:

Anya and Oliver

I expected great things from them and got a “meh”. It wasn’t finished, it wasn’t exciting, it wasn’t much of anything. My first thought was “lounge wear”, but the judges were too blinded by the physical beauty of the team itself to notice the issues with their garment.

Now let’s get to the good stuff.

The Top:

The Hacker and Kimberlie

I loved these pants. If I was eleven feet tall I would now own these pants. I agreed with the judges that the collar was a little Blade Runner for my taste, but it worked, and what else could you have done? A Peter Pan collar? The proportions were perfect. The colors were great. These two very different women made a very good team, mostly by interacting as little as possible, but hey, whatever works. I might have given this the win. The tailoring was insane, and I think construction wise it was better than the winner.

Mean Girl and Mousey Girl

What? Are you kidding me? A pumpkin-headed librarian? This makes the top? It may have been perfectly sewn, and chiffon may be the hardest fabric to work with, but this is fugly. There is no other word. The pants are beige, the top is just unspeakably bad. Sure it was a nice color, but it had old-lady bedazzling at the color, one shiny button, and it was so BORING. I wouldn’t wear this blouse on a dare. Well, we haven’t had a hooker outfit yet, so I’m glad we at least got the first WRONG from the judges. They could barely think of enough good things to say about it. I could barely hold down my lunch after seeing it.

The winners were Rockin’ One and Runway Barbie

This was sinfully good, in theory. As you know I am not a fan of feather-work, but I really did think they pulled that part off. I wasn’t so sure about the reds being different, but it flowed beautifully. It was a little sloppy in the details, and once he admitted to hot gluing the feathers I thought for sure he had handed the challenge to the green suit. It certainly knocked you out when it came down the runway. The way that skirt moved out behind the model on the runway was something out of a wind-machine photo shoot. Talk about good drama.

Now to the bottom:

Josh and Granola Girl

Wanna know a secret? I loved those pants. I know, they were crazy and horribly high-waisted, but they were amazing. The jacket, however, was a bejeweled train wreck. A bolero? With nine foot legs? What were they thinking? Can you say costume? I think it was even too much for Dancing with the Stars. They should thank their lucky stars that they can sew well, it’s all that saved them.

Bert the Jerk and Victor

Mae West may have never worn pants, but even she had more taste than to wear this curtain fabric mess. Who picked these materials? Neither one of them has an ounce of taste if they went to Mood and left with these. retching noises Perhaps if they had constructed it beautifully. But they didn’t. The hip thing was floppy and uneven. The skirt had no shape. Their strategies on the runway consisted of trashing the other person as completely as possible. They did their best. Perhaps it would have been easier to take Victor seriously if he hadn’t been wearing an Angus Young costume. They took turns laying on the trash talk and in they end they didn’t need to waste their insults. The losing team was

Bryce and Pixie Hair

A tank top with a tutu. Ouch. Goth ballerina. Again. Ouch. Pixie did the only thing they liked: the headpiece. But when you blow the other thing you were assigned you have to try to make it up by doing something. There was nothing to it. It was plain and dark and snoozey and I’m already bored talking about it. They sent my favorite hair home, and I had to agree with them. She was in way over her head, and I doubted that she could stay much longer anyway. I don’t have high hopes for Bryce either, but he gets one more shot.

Notes:

Congratulations to the Duchess on marrying his long-time partner! Do you think he wore jeans?

Who takes fashion advice from Kim Kardashian? Why was she a guest judge? Next time they have a hoochie-mama design challenge they can call her back. She loved the librarian look. Please.

Tim Gunn is amazing, the way he tried to make Pixie Hair feel better behind the scenes at the show. All I could think was how much I wanted to scream “Grow a Pair” at her and smack her around a bit. Perhaps that’s why Tim got the job and not me.

Well, the next show is almost over, but I am so tired my eyes are crossing, so you might have to wait another whole week, Kelly, for this week’s post. Of course, if I don’t go fishing again maybe I’ll surprise all of us.

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