Oscar Report

Another year, another Oscar show. I was glad to see Billy Crystal back, even though I know a lot of people wanted a fresher show. At least the only thing I cringed at was Sacha Baron Cohen ambushing an obviously not-in-on-the-joke Ryan Seacrest with fake cremation ashes, not the show itself. Anything would have been an improvement over James Franco. I have to admit I’ve always thought Billy Crystal is best at handling the hydra that is this broadcast, why fix what ain’t broken?

Shall we start with the misses?

The Dude brought Captain Morgan. Seriously? I’ve always liked Brad with longer hair, but this just looks like a greasy mess. Angelina needs to get knocked up again and put some weight on. She looks so much prettier when she isn’t so skeletal. You could cut glass with those elbows. I thought the dress was fine, but safe and you never get a full appreciation for the details on a black dress in photographs so don’t wear one, please. And what was with the ridiculous pose? If she wanted to guarantee more screen time for her gams, she could have easily had the slit tailored larger, so the acrobatics wouldn’t be necessary.

Gwyneth Paltrow

A lot of people are fawning over this look. I loved the simplicity and the cuff bracelet, but the cape was crazy, and then when she finally took it off it had these extremely aggressive shoulder pads and cap sleeves that did nothing to distract you from her middle-school hair style. I didn’t feel that it fit her well…we all have pooches and that isn’t the issue. The issue is that she gets to have this dress MADE FOR HER, and she still didn’t get it fit to glide over her midsection. Not taking advantage of that advantage is a crime.

Oh, and I misspoke earlier, I cringed at her bit with Robert Downey Jr.. Awful.

Michelle Williams

People aren’t going to like this choice either, but I am over this look on her. The little pixie cut, the little sweet dress, the little diamond bow at the side…snooze. What was up with the pink snake skin clutch?

Sure, it fits like a glove, sure it’s a pretty dress (which is more than you can say for a lot that went down the carpet), but there comes a time when your winning formula becomes stale. All I could think of was “didn’t she wear that last year?”

There are more to mention: Anna Ferris’ Matrix look, Tina Fey with “the fake Bun that ate Manhattan”, Kelly Osborne’s bizarre pinkish/silver hair, Berenice Bejo’s crazy hair and overdone dress, J Lo’s disco number that shifted just enough for a small wardrobe malfunction, Emma Stone’s neck-attacking bow…

As much as it pains me to say it, I have to give the worst look to

Shailene Woodley

She is so pretty, so talented and so off track with this dress: a poly blend macrame number that screamed 70’s. I itch just looking at it. Her hair was wrong, her makeup was wrong, her stylist should be preparing her resume. She looked old and dated where I’m sure she was trying for vintage. When you are young and gorgeous you need to bring it to the carpet. As I race towards my “I can’t show my arms” years, I always want these young starlets to revel in their youth and beauty. She missed her chance.

On to the best:

This is a pretty small field this year. A lot of ladies are firmly in the middle of the pack. They looked nice and wore pretty dresses, but you didn’t get pulled out of your seat going “wow” that’s gorgeous. Maybe they’re thinking its better to be forgotten than remembered for being wacky. But who would even remember Bjork ever went to the Oscars if she hadn’t worn a swan dress?

Penelope Cruz

This was old style Hollywood glamour done well. I thought the matchy hair style was a bit too matronly, but no one is perfect. I loved the soft color on her and the dress spoke for itself without a lot of doo-dads and whatnot. The DH thought her boobs looked funny. I thought “why are you looking at her boobs?” (not really, I was looking at them too. Hey, we’re only human!)

Jessica Chastain

This dress was one of those that pulled me out of my chair. Yowza. It is apparently embellished with 24 carat gold and is the exact opposite of Penelope’s dress. But the embroidery was flawless: elegance defined. She styled it perfectly. The loose hair and lack of showy jewelry kept it from becoming busy and overblown. I bet is weighed a ton, but she looked light and breezy and I LOVE it.

But the hands-down best dressed for me is

Octavia Spencer

Octavia was STUNNING. The dress fit her perfectly. It showed off her curves and her beauty. It was a “modest” dress, but you didn’t look at it and think that she was trying to hide anything. The star in the middle, the beading, the neckline, the back, the skirt, the color…there was nothing about this I didn’t like!

When you are a perfect size 0, like the rest of the ladies on this list, all you have to do is find a pretty dress and the fit will take care of itself (at least it should, cough cough Gwyenth Paltrow) When you have curves and shape it is a much more tortuous process. You have to find something that flatters what you like about yourself and camouflage the things you don’t.

When I saw her I didn’t think, “Wow, she looks good for her size”, I thought “she looks fabulous. Period.”. Maybe “real woman” (and I hate to say that, as if Natalie Portman is make-believe) like to see someone more like them looking so flawless. And that was just what I needed after attending a fancy dress party where I made myself crazy trying to feel good in what I was wearing. Best dressed for sure.

Onto some notes about the broadcast:

Loved the fact that I didn’t have to suffer through renditions of the Best Original Song nominees, but since there were only two this year, it might not have been such a big deal.

What does Cirque de Soleil have to do with the Oscars? It was most likely much more impressive for the people actually there, but all I could think was “Why are they all wearing suits?” Could have cut that out and given some of the winners more time to speak.

The writers need to stop the stupid bits and just have people present. We barely have patience for anything other than the red carpet, so make it as fast and painless as possible.

I don’t want to hear actors talk about their craft or whatever. That means nothing to me or 99% of the other viewers. If I want to watch a documentary about filmmaking I’ll search one out on line.

Now we all hunker down and wait for next year’s awards season.

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