Oscar Report

Another year, another Oscar show. I was glad to see Billy Crystal back, even though I know a lot of people wanted a fresher show. At least the only thing I cringed at was Sacha Baron Cohen ambushing an obviously not-in-on-the-joke Ryan Seacrest with fake cremation ashes, not the show itself. Anything would have been an improvement over James Franco. I have to admit I’ve always thought Billy Crystal is best at handling the hydra that is this broadcast, why fix what ain’t broken?

Shall we start with the misses?

The Dude brought Captain Morgan. Seriously? I’ve always liked Brad with longer hair, but this just looks like a greasy mess. Angelina needs to get knocked up again and put some weight on. She looks so much prettier when she isn’t so skeletal. You could cut glass with those elbows. I thought the dress was fine, but safe and you never get a full appreciation for the details on a black dress in photographs so don’t wear one, please. And what was with the ridiculous pose? If she wanted to guarantee more screen time for her gams, she could have easily had the slit tailored larger, so the acrobatics wouldn’t be necessary.

Gwyneth Paltrow

A lot of people are fawning over this look. I loved the simplicity and the cuff bracelet, but the cape was crazy, and then when she finally took it off it had these extremely aggressive shoulder pads and cap sleeves that did nothing to distract you from her middle-school hair style. I didn’t feel that it fit her well…we all have pooches and that isn’t the issue. The issue is that she gets to have this dress MADE FOR HER, and she still didn’t get it fit to glide over her midsection. Not taking advantage of that advantage is a crime.

Oh, and I misspoke earlier, I cringed at her bit with Robert Downey Jr.. Awful.

Michelle Williams

People aren’t going to like this choice either, but I am over this look on her. The little pixie cut, the little sweet dress, the little diamond bow at the side…snooze. What was up with the pink snake skin clutch?

Sure, it fits like a glove, sure it’s a pretty dress (which is more than you can say for a lot that went down the carpet), but there comes a time when your winning formula becomes stale. All I could think of was “didn’t she wear that last year?”

There are more to mention: Anna Ferris’ Matrix look, Tina Fey with “the fake Bun that ate Manhattan”, Kelly Osborne’s bizarre pinkish/silver hair, Berenice Bejo’s crazy hair and overdone dress, J Lo’s disco number that shifted just enough for a small wardrobe malfunction, Emma Stone’s neck-attacking bow…

As much as it pains me to say it, I have to give the worst look to

Shailene Woodley

She is so pretty, so talented and so off track with this dress: a poly blend macrame number that screamed 70’s. I itch just looking at it. Her hair was wrong, her makeup was wrong, her stylist should be preparing her resume. She looked old and dated where I’m sure she was trying for vintage. When you are young and gorgeous you need to bring it to the carpet. As I race towards my “I can’t show my arms” years, I always want these young starlets to revel in their youth and beauty. She missed her chance.

On to the best:

This is a pretty small field this year. A lot of ladies are firmly in the middle of the pack. They looked nice and wore pretty dresses, but you didn’t get pulled out of your seat going “wow” that’s gorgeous. Maybe they’re thinking its better to be forgotten than remembered for being wacky. But who would even remember Bjork ever went to the Oscars if she hadn’t worn a swan dress?

Penelope Cruz

This was old style Hollywood glamour done well. I thought the matchy hair style was a bit too matronly, but no one is perfect. I loved the soft color on her and the dress spoke for itself without a lot of doo-dads and whatnot. The DH thought her boobs looked funny. I thought “why are you looking at her boobs?” (not really, I was looking at them too. Hey, we’re only human!)

Jessica Chastain

This dress was one of those that pulled me out of my chair. Yowza. It is apparently embellished with 24 carat gold and is the exact opposite of Penelope’s dress. But the embroidery was flawless: elegance defined. She styled it perfectly. The loose hair and lack of showy jewelry kept it from becoming busy and overblown. I bet is weighed a ton, but she looked light and breezy and I LOVE it.

But the hands-down best dressed for me is

Octavia Spencer

Octavia was STUNNING. The dress fit her perfectly. It showed off her curves and her beauty. It was a “modest” dress, but you didn’t look at it and think that she was trying to hide anything. The star in the middle, the beading, the neckline, the back, the skirt, the color…there was nothing about this I didn’t like!

When you are a perfect size 0, like the rest of the ladies on this list, all you have to do is find a pretty dress and the fit will take care of itself (at least it should, cough cough Gwyenth Paltrow) When you have curves and shape it is a much more tortuous process. You have to find something that flatters what you like about yourself and camouflage the things you don’t.

When I saw her I didn’t think, “Wow, she looks good for her size”, I thought “she looks fabulous. Period.”. Maybe “real woman” (and I hate to say that, as if Natalie Portman is make-believe) like to see someone more like them looking so flawless. And that was just what I needed after attending a fancy dress party where I made myself crazy trying to feel good in what I was wearing. Best dressed for sure.

Onto some notes about the broadcast:

Loved the fact that I didn’t have to suffer through renditions of the Best Original Song nominees, but since there were only two this year, it might not have been such a big deal.

What does Cirque de Soleil have to do with the Oscars? It was most likely much more impressive for the people actually there, but all I could think was “Why are they all wearing suits?” Could have cut that out and given some of the winners more time to speak.

The writers need to stop the stupid bits and just have people present. We barely have patience for anything other than the red carpet, so make it as fast and painless as possible.

I don’t want to hear actors talk about their craft or whatever. That means nothing to me or 99% of the other viewers. If I want to watch a documentary about filmmaking I’ll search one out on line.

Now we all hunker down and wait for next year’s awards season.

Hits and Misses

In case you have been living under a log, you probably know that the Oscars were last night.  I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love the fashion, or lack of it depending on the person. I usually, however, hate the actual broadcast. Let’s break the whole thing down:

Broadcast:

Anne Hathaway was a little too giggly for my taste, but at least she tried. James Franco, on the other hand, was the most lifeless thing on that stage, and I’m including the microphone. Not sure whether he was stoned or just scared shitless, but he was useless up there. The sideways deer-in-headlights scowl was annoying, his attempts at humor were laughless, and he didn’t even look his sexy best. If they want to stay young, they can keep Anne, but maybe give Justin Timberlake a try as the co host.

Anne Hathaway’s wardrobe was awful! And things started off so well. She wore the most sinfully beautiful red dress on the red carpet:

Could that have been prettier?  I don’t think so. But then they let the crazy people who produce this show have a go at her, and she ended up with, well, nothing good.

The white one was alright, but nothing super special. She seemed horrifically uncomfortable in it…holding her hand over her abdomen as if she couldn’t breath. The tux was fine, but who wants to see her in a tux? (Franco in the Marilyn Monroe outfit was cringe-inducing, if you don’t know what I’m talking about, be thankful)

Tiers of tafetta…a little too young on the bottom, but too old lady lace on the top.

This number made her look schlumpy, something about the angle on the single shoulder dealie. It came off very casual on-screen.

The red one wasn’t so bad. Her blue dress was the perfect silhouette, but the fabric resembled some kind of blue reptilian alien skin. The last one? Don’t get me started on the last one. This picture almost makes it look like a decent dress. It wasn’t. It was possibly one of the least flattering garments I have ever seen, and I watch Project Runway. The unfortunate seaming up her boobs and the strange lace over nude fabric looked ridiculous. Shame on making a pretty girl look like a freak show.

I have to say that the show itself seemed to move along at a good clip. I didn’t notice those long, boring stretches that usually make the whole experience a mite tedious. The songs were fine, although I am so over Gwyneth Paltrow…but I’ll get to her later.

Awards:

Not a surprise in the bunch. Nothing is worse than a horse race with no upsets. Why bother having the awards if it always goes to the favorites? Snooze. I realize there is nothing the producers can do about this, but it is still mind numbingly boring to watch.

I am mystified as to why they made some of the male co-presenters change into somewhat matching outfits (Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law for example). And why couldn’t any of the men this year seem to find a coat that FIT! They all were straining their single buttons to the breaking point. You want a sleeker cut, fine, but the front row shouldn’t have needed to wear safety goggles.

The one bright spot in a parade of “I’d like to thank these people you’ve never heard of”‘s was when Melissa Leo dropped the f-bomb. Oh yes…girl friend…she did.

Alright, this is what you all came for…

The Fashions:

Before I begin, I want to start off by saying that I don’t care if the commentators said a dress looked much better in person. About 200 people saw it live. A billion saw it on TV…put it on and take a damn picture of yourself in it before wearing it to the Oscars…alright?

The Best:

Not usually a fan, but I loved this particular lace, I loved the color, and I loved the giant cut out in the back. She looked like the bombshell she is without looking slutty.

Jennifer Lawrence

Va-va-va-voom! Young Hollywood is taking the carpet by storm! Talk about stunning! She could have dressed it up a little more with some bling, but the dress fit her like a glove and I adored this the minute I spotted it.

Hailee Steinfeld

My one complaint is that she should have nixed the headband. Age appropriate, great color, very sweet.

Camila Alves

Matthew needs to spend less time in the sun, but the lovely Ms Alves looks FLAWLESS!

And BEST Dressed goes to (drumroll please)

Natalie Portman

Even pregnant she was gorgeous. Now granted, she had stunk up almost all of the other red carpets this season (can you say bordello red rhinestone rose?). And having the bump is no excuse for ugly frocks when you can ask any designer to MAKE ONE FOR YOU FROM SCRATCH. So I was thrilled to see her in this beautiful dress. The hair was perfect, the shoes were perfect, and while the DH loved her earrings, they were the one thing I would have changed. A hearty congratulations on the win and the outfit.

Moving on, we now come to the part of the evening we all love no matter how we strive to be better people than that…the worst dressed.

Sharon Stone

Good Lord, where do I begin? How about Sharon Stone in the most aggressive outfit I’ve seen in ages...

She looked like a crazy cougar lady with a Q-tip hair do. Bleck.

Reese Witherspoon

Then there was Reese Witherspoon in an 80’s inspired white and black ensemble that I swear to God I tried on for my own prom back in the day. She looked like a classic Barbie, but not in a good way.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Ugh. Really? First, she really made me angry when she did a G rated cover of one of my favorite songs. I hate hearing her butcher it in her passable voice on the radio. Note to Glee…stick with real singers, please.

Then she shows up in this breast-plate Zena warrior dress. Metallic gold with her fake tan and overly dark eyes made her look older than her years.

For her big Oscar hoe-down she wore something just as anemic. NEXT.

Nicole Kidman

What happened here? For once she lays off the Botox in time to have facial expressions. For once I actually like her hair. And when you see the dress you like it until you get to the hip extenders, the over done overly wide slit up the front, the orange shoes, and the tacky China-town embroidery. And her husband, the ever sexy Keith Urban, looked like he was wearing more makeup than she was. Family fail.

Melissa Leo

Well, our next honoree is the f-bomb lobber I mentioned earlier. Melissa Leo decided to wear a gold mylar balloon underneath a white cut-out cheongsam with an Elvis collar. Who sees that in the dressing room and says “Yes! That looks amazing?” Michelle needs better people. Someone should have had the courage to tell her “no”, or in her case “no f*cking way.”

 

 

 

 

The WORST   (and no, it will not be Helena Bonham Carter…that’s just too easy) was:

 

Cate Blanchett

What makes this so strange is that when I first saw it, I LOVED it. But then it started to nag at me.

I am sure there will be thousands of (mistaken) people who disagree on me with this one, but I am going to stand my ground. I love Ms. Blanchett. She so rarely has a fashion miscue that it is almost possible to overlook this one.

The color is divine. It works perfectly with her unearthly porcelain skin. And that is the sum total of what is good about this. We shall start at the bottom and work our way up, shall we?

The pleating on the skirt is a little Maude for my taste. But there wasn’t so much volume for that to be what makes this a no. Perhaps it was the beading at the abdomen that looked like two crab claws about to pinch her thighs. And while we are on the subject of the beading, it looked more and more like some kind of hideous incurable skin disease the more I looked at it. Especially as you came to her collar-bone and saw the strange splashes of yellow. That odd color continued down the back of the dress…as if some winged animal had pissed on her as she exited the limo.

The giant circle cut out around her chest reminded me of the old “Let’s Make a Deal” set (what’s behind curtain number three?!…) and the futuristic shape of the cap sleeves made it look like they belonged on a completely different dress.

I will give her best hair for the night, though.

Whoops!

 

Someone’s stylist is going to get fired.  Sheryl Crowe wore this dress to the Vanity Fair party after Melissa George wore it on the carpet.  Now they are not the exact same dress, but it is close enough for government work.  Poor Melissa, seeing someone wear your red carpet dress to the after party…

And I think Sheryl Crowe wears it better.

Is it Really THAT Hard to Throw on a Tux?

Every year while watching the Oscars I think:
“The men have it so easy!”

Every woman who comes down that carpet is picked apart from her dress to her makeup to her hair to her shoes to her handbag.  It must be a horribly intimidating thing to do, to dress for a Red Carpet.  But for men, you go to Armani, throw on a tux, comb your hair and hop in the limo.  It would seem simple and straightforward.  And for men like Will Smith and James Franco, it was just that easy. 

 

Yet every year there are some fashion disaster men.  How do they do it?  How do you stand in front of a rack of basically the same outfits and find the one that will make you look like a crazy man?  Some just have the gift…

Phillip Seymour Hoffman (or, Seymour Phillip Hoffman if you take it from Sir Ben Kingsley) lost the war with his choice of a knit cap for the evenings festivities.  Although, considering what his hair usually looks like, this might have been a blessing.  

Christopher Walken was wearing your standard tux, and would have looked fine if he had paid just a little more attention to his bow tie.  The way it was off center and turned up on one end made me giggle wondering when it was going to start spinning in a circle.  It was like that when he presented, hopefully someone took pity on him and fixed it sometime later.

Bill Maher, a man quick with words, felt that looking like a disco battle ship would be the best look for the evening.  He was wrong, oh so terribly wrong!  The super sheen gun metal grey with black piping was distracting at best.  Maybe he wanted people not to notice his “our silly little gods” comment.  I see his inbox crashing from hate mail.

Usually I give the non famous people a little slack when they show fashion palsy.  After all, they have no stylist, and perhaps no friend that will say to them “No.  You look ridiculous.”  But this year an exception must be made for Anthony Dodd Mantle, winner for Cinematographer.  His coat was at least one size too small.  It barely covered his Gap Oxford. To move the eye away from his ill fitting suit, he wore a pocket square that looked a little too much like a melted Muppet for the comfort of those who like Muppets.  No one stands in the mirror wearing that and says “Yes.  I look great!”   Just a tip, when the whole world is watching you don’t want to be the git remembered for not ironing his jacket.

Sean Penn came close to pulling off the all black ensemble.  So close.  The tux was fine, with the exception of the whisper thin cummerbund.  But the black shirt came off flat and too casual for the most formal occasion of the year.  Button your collar you schlub!  He always looks put upon to be there.  Robin:  “Honey, the limo is here!  Aren’t you ready yet?”  Sean:”Do I have to go?” Robin: “We are in the front row!!”  Sean: “Alright, I’ll throw something on, but you can’t make me like it!”

And then there is Mickey Rourke.  Oh Mickey, you were so fine.  It used to be that his failed facelift caused gapers delay…no one could even remember what he was wearing.  But when you are the favorite to win, you should pretend you care, and have an ounce of common sense. Saturday Night Fever called…they are missing Travolta’s stunt double.   There was so much wrong about the outfit I thought I would actually comment on what was good about it.  I can find nothing.  Most annoying is the wallet chain.  In a room full of people that make vastly bigger coin than you, are you seriously worried someone is going to lift your wallet?  

So perhaps throwing on a tux takes more effort than we like to believe.

The Oscars…What the F@*% Were They Thinking?

So, it’s almost midnight, and I just finished watching the Oscars on my DVR (the only way to do it).  These are my impressions:

Vibrant blue was the cursed color this evening.  Everyone who wore it looked awful.  Frieda Pinto (Slumdog Millionaire) was wearing an ill-fitting one sleeved dress.  

 

She is a beautiful young lady who looked like she lost the arm of the dress in a Filene’s Basement tug of war.  And is her foundation garment showing through?  What is the lighter panel across her belly (yeah, right, like she has a belly!)

Queen Latifah, though she sang beautifully, looked uneven in her black sash over royal blue strapless.  And don’t even get me started on Reese Witherspoon!  What the f@*% was she thinking?  No pictures available yet, so I will try to paint a picture for you… Black and blue makes you look like a giant bruise.  Then there were the asymetrical straps over nude mesh that stopped just after her shoulders!  It was a mess.   

Headline:  Beautiful, Petite Actress Swallowed by Ginormous Dress!

If I had a size 0 figure (hell, if I had a size 6 figure) I wouldn’t burry it under layers of tulle.  Look at Marion Cotillard:

She is suffering from the cursed blue and the abundance of fabric that makes her look like she is in a costume, not a dress.  Other offenders were Sarah Jessica Parker

 

And Miley Cyrus

 

What would posses her to wear dragon scales that look like an oil spill on a sandy beach.  It is too bad, because the silloutte is perfect on her.  Lose the belt and the styling and she looks amazing.

I felt that only one person did this look right.  It was…

 

Penelope Cruz.  Flawless.  The dress is 60 years old, but she makes it look brand new.  She can also pull off the “look of the night”:  the glittery neutral.

This is a worrying trend for the normal women of the world.  We do not have a spray tan on call, and most of us don’t have nearly the skin tone to pull off these colors.  Everyone had on these almost nudes:

Anne Hathaway

Flawless.

Evan Rachel Wood

Did they just pleat her skin?

SJP and Nicole Kidman, Tina Fey and Goldie Hawn.  It seemed the closer to your real skin tone the better.  However, for me, that would mean wearing something that matched the complexion of a plucked chicken.  Not a good look.

No amount of being on point for color could save Jessica Beil from her awful choice of sillouette.

The skirt is stiff, but you could forgive that.  What I can’t forgive is her forgetting to take the napkin out of her top before leaving the table at the pre-party.  She is the body that snagged JT, and she is lost behind this giant glob of fabric that just makes her look schlumpy.

Another major disappointment that there is no photo of online yet was Whoopie Goldberg.  Now, I know that none of us expect much from Ms Goldberg.  God bless her, but I wonder if she owns a mirror.  Tonight, she decided to don a leopard print doosey with bell sleeves and a low cut front that let a little of her chest tatoo show through.  Now, the dress in and of itself was atrocious.  But you cannot have a leopard print fighting for attention with a large, colorful tatoo.  Angelina can pull it off because she doesn’t wear things that compete with her body art.  Whoopie looked ridiculous.  Is it too much to ask for people to try? 

But by far the WORST dressed person at the awards was the incomparable Mickey Rourke.

He takes home the prize, but only barely snatched the win from Tilda Swindon

who always looks like she threw on something she found in the Penny’s Mother of the Bride section.

And don’t get me started on Sophia Lauren!  I won’t say anything bad because she is a legend.  But the dress speaks for itself.

What the f@*% were they thinking?