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I have decided not to honor that pile of drivel they call an episode with a real post. Nina and Heidi back to back? Is this a joke?

I already have forgotten everything but the drama…Josh belittling the Hacker (just for the record, Josh, just because someone doesn’t use rhinestones does not mean that they design dowdy clothes). Then there was the ever insufferable Bert the Jerk laughing with glee when Rockin’ One and Runway Barbie were being criticized. I would say they are giving him the villain edit, but I highly doubt he’s giving them much else to work with. He has elevated the hissy fit to an art form.

I don’t remember the top and bottom because when they do sportswear we all lose. I don’t remember who won or lost, because this season is quickly boring the will to accessorize right outta me. Mean girl was so bored she went home. I don’t remember the tease for this week because I still can’t get past Tim Gunn in jeans and trainers.

I have little hope that this week will redeem this season. But hope springs eternal. They’d better step up their game. Dancing with the Stars starts in a few weeks and with no Louis it just might steal my attentions away.

Mae West Never Wore Pants

And Bert never learned his manners. Well, I guess we know who the villain is this cycle.

Stilts? Really? Team challenge. Nice.

They had to make a look for ladies in stilts. They had to work in teams. They had one day. They mostly failed.

The drama came from Victor and Bert who started bickering before they had even gotten to the workroom. They could agree on nothing, and Bert couldn’t wait to show off his knowledge of fashion history (boobs are Elizabethan in case you didn’t know).

Anya was with Oliver, The Hacker was with Kimberly, Runway Barbie was with Rockin’ One, Mean Girl was with Mousy Girl, Bryce and the girl with the great Pixie Hair, and Granola Girl and Josh (who looks like Frankie Goes to Hollywood and George Michael had a very smooth baby).

The teams are always interesting. Knowing that you will live or die by the work of your partner makes everyone act a little psycho, especially when some people are self taught. This was the case with Bryce and Pixie Hair. She didn’t know how to cut the fabric on her bodice, and that fubar-ed the whole thing.

Let’s hit the Runway. Coming in solidly in the middle:

Anya and Oliver

I expected great things from them and got a “meh”. It wasn’t finished, it wasn’t exciting, it wasn’t much of anything. My first thought was “lounge wear”, but the judges were too blinded by the physical beauty of the team itself to notice the issues with their garment.

Now let’s get to the good stuff.

The Top:

The Hacker and Kimberlie

I loved these pants. If I was eleven feet tall I would now own these pants. I agreed with the judges that the collar was a little Blade Runner for my taste, but it worked, and what else could you have done? A Peter Pan collar? The proportions were perfect. The colors were great. These two very different women made a very good team, mostly by interacting as little as possible, but hey, whatever works. I might have given this the win. The tailoring was insane, and I think construction wise it was better than the winner.

Mean Girl and Mousey Girl

What? Are you kidding me? A pumpkin-headed librarian? This makes the top? It may have been perfectly sewn, and chiffon may be the hardest fabric to work with, but this is fugly. There is no other word. The pants are beige, the top is just unspeakably bad. Sure it was a nice color, but it had old-lady bedazzling at the color, one shiny button, and it was so BORING. I wouldn’t wear this blouse on a dare. Well, we haven’t had a hooker outfit yet, so I’m glad we at least got the first WRONG from the judges. They could barely think of enough good things to say about it. I could barely hold down my lunch after seeing it.

The winners were Rockin’ One and Runway Barbie

This was sinfully good, in theory. As you know I am not a fan of feather-work, but I really did think they pulled that part off. I wasn’t so sure about the reds being different, but it flowed beautifully. It was a little sloppy in the details, and once he admitted to hot gluing the feathers I thought for sure he had handed the challenge to the green suit. It certainly knocked you out when it came down the runway. The way that skirt moved out behind the model on the runway was something out of a wind-machine photo shoot. Talk about good drama.

Now to the bottom:

Josh and Granola Girl

Wanna know a secret? I loved those pants. I know, they were crazy and horribly high-waisted, but they were amazing. The jacket, however, was a bejeweled train wreck. A bolero? With nine foot legs? What were they thinking? Can you say costume? I think it was even too much for Dancing with the Stars. They should thank their lucky stars that they can sew well, it’s all that saved them.

Bert the Jerk and Victor

Mae West may have never worn pants, but even she had more taste than to wear this curtain fabric mess. Who picked these materials? Neither one of them has an ounce of taste if they went to Mood and left with these. retching noises Perhaps if they had constructed it beautifully. But they didn’t. The hip thing was floppy and uneven. The skirt had no shape. Their strategies on the runway consisted of trashing the other person as completely as possible. They did their best. Perhaps it would have been easier to take Victor seriously if he hadn’t been wearing an Angus Young costume. They took turns laying on the trash talk and in they end they didn’t need to waste their insults. The losing team was

Bryce and Pixie Hair

A tank top with a tutu. Ouch. Goth ballerina. Again. Ouch. Pixie did the only thing they liked: the headpiece. But when you blow the other thing you were assigned you have to try to make it up by doing something. There was nothing to it. It was plain and dark and snoozey and I’m already bored talking about it. They sent my favorite hair home, and I had to agree with them. She was in way over her head, and I doubted that she could stay much longer anyway. I don’t have high hopes for Bryce either, but he gets one more shot.

Notes:

Congratulations to the Duchess on marrying his long-time partner! Do you think he wore jeans?

Who takes fashion advice from Kim Kardashian? Why was she a guest judge? Next time they have a hoochie-mama design challenge they can call her back. She loved the librarian look. Please.

Tim Gunn is amazing, the way he tried to make Pixie Hair feel better behind the scenes at the show. All I could think was how much I wanted to scream “Grow a Pair” at her and smack her around a bit. Perhaps that’s why Tim got the job and not me.

Well, the next show is almost over, but I am so tired my eyes are crossing, so you might have to wait another whole week, Kelly, for this week’s post. Of course, if I don’t go fishing again maybe I’ll surprise all of us.

Why I wear a bra to bed

I have been awful about blogging in general, and I will never forgive myself for being so late on episodes one and two of this season’s Project Runway.

The problem at this point in the season there are just too many flipping designers. I don’t care about any of them yet, and while Olivier is so cute I feel an overwhelming urge to cook him brownies and send him care packages, I’m not convinced who to route for yet.

The Old Guy was my favorite until he started singing about having immunity. “I don’t make costumes.” Full of yourself much? You’d better learn ’cause this week involves stilts.

I can’t remember anyone else’s names. There is the mean chick with the horse teeth who they haven’t even bothered to feature yet. There’s Miss TnT who is GORGEOUS but I fear pulling everyone’s leg with her assertion that she just learned how to sew (Tim is onto you, sweetheart). There’s the “more is better” dude that is a dead ringer for George Michael, the “rockin’ 1” guy working the cancer survivor angle, and the girl wishes she was the Criminal Minds hacker chick. After that they all blend together.

I don’t even remember who got the first auf. Oh, wait, my sister informs me that it was the Dude who was more worried about his nasty hair making it on camera than winning a challenge: Raphael. Priorities, son, priorities.

Last week we lost the snoozy Mormon. It’s always the timid that hit the bricks after the unconventional materials challenge. Tim even warned them not to choose anything too fabric-y. But he chose fabric over pee-pee pads and got sent home. We almost lost the cute as a button pixie girl whose hair I covet, so I was happy to see him go.

Tim is resplendent as always. Heidi is, well, Heidi. Loved her green dress on the first episode, hated the bright bright lipstick on the second one. The Duchess and Nina are still annoying and moderately wrong, but they haven’t made any jaw-droppers yet. Give them time, the season is still young.

Hopefully I will not pen my next review from the pool, so I can include some pix and more in depth analysis. It’s hard to be too b*tchy when you’re worried about the Great Whites burning (for those not in the know those are my legs, and giant thanks to Wifey-poo for sharing that term with me, so perfect and giggle-inducing)

Tonight they are having the first-ever outdoor runway show (do we care?) and they teased a performer in stilts. Talk about playing with proportions! I have to admit a certain evil glee at the thought of our first team challenge (remember Gretchen and the ensuing Tim Gunn meltdown?), but stilts?! groan and eyeroll

Whaaaaat?!…

Before I start on the Halloween post I wanted to just get this one out of the way.

That was the most uninspired finale I have seen since Irena won.  It might be the saddest runway finale collections ever.  I expected a lot from these guys (except Gretchen).  Mondo is a color genius.  Andy makes such strong clothing.  Gretchen is, well, Gretchen.

So, color genius…what’ve you got for me? (excited little claps)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What?  This?  You’re joking, right?  Your real collection will be coming any second, right…

I am sorry, belts, the trim on the ankle boots, one tunic and one blue shirt?  This is color?  This is disappointment expressed through polka dots.

Are those wound balls of human hair on their heads?  What’s with all the fiddly bits up there?  I remember the judges specifically telling him to edit those down in the last episode.  There is being true to yourself as a designer and then there is just plan old not listening.

Mondo should have walked away with this competition.  He has vision, true talent, and is cute as a button.  But he went black and white.  BLACK AND WHITE!  A lot of the proportions were simply wacky and unflattering.  Especially the houndstooth high waisted pants.  Thanks for the giant “V” to the crotch Mondo (that’s sarcasm in case you missed it).  The Day of the Dead shirts were fine, but they didn’t really make any sense.   And no matter how much I, Coach, Heidi, Jessica Simpson (I’ll get to her, don’t worry) LOVED the last dress, it couldn’t make up for the whole lotta nothing that went down the runway before it.  This collection from another designer would be great.  From Mondo, it came off forced and hesitant.

Alright.  Andy.  Let’s see what kick-ass clothes you came up with…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are you kidding me?  Apparently if you are importing Laotian fabrics they only let you pick silver and green.   When you think Asian-inspired, do you think muted color palette?  I could imagine this collection with a whole range of colors like the green and it is soooo much better than this monochromatic disaster.

That’s not to say that there weren’t some gorgeous pieces.  The bathing suit ensemble was so sexy and original I wish I was 21 again.  The dresses, especially the one shoulder piece, were sinfully elegant and yet completely wearable.  But Andy went way off his warrior woman aesthetic and I found that disappointing.  Just because they can’t all be suits of armor doesn’t mean that they have to be this soft.  I thought the green jacket the judges went ga-ga over was poorly constructed.  I was thoroughly unimpressed by the deconstructed separates, and felt that some of the fabrics looked a little too reception-hall-drapey

Most distracting were the little orbiting-planet head pieces.  A few of them were pretty.  Putting them on all the models was overkill.

Alright, two disappointing collections down, one more to go.  There is no way Gretchen could disappoint, since I expect nothing good to come out of her…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow.  I  am disappointed.

Wait, I think I have seen this collection somewhere before?…  Ah yes,                   the 1978 JC Penny catalogue.  WTF?

Problems:

1. Color palette.  Yes, nothing says fashion forward like pukey neutrals.
2. Diapers.  Never a good look on ANYONE.
3. Jeepers Creepers hats.  The scarecrow look has never been “in”.
4. The shoes.  Awful.  Just awful.
5. The pants the judges loved looked like the model had peed latex down herself.

Highlights.  The first dress.  That’s it.  What?  You like the jewelry?  So what?  This is a garment competition.  Who gives a crap about the jewelry?

Overall a very lackluster performance.  I was shocked at how little I cared about who won while watching these come down the runway, which was a good thing since Coach ruined the ending for me with an untimely email (I time shifted).  I cared so little that when I first posted this I didn’t even mention that Gretchen won.  Yes, Gretchen.  That mess won.  So what does this tell us about the judging?

I have to protest Jessica Simpson being the guest judge for the finale.  There are very few people less fashion-challenged than Ms. Simpson.  She usually looks terrible and that is with the aid of stylists.  When this much is at stake they need to have someone respected in the fashion industry at the wheel, not a pop star.

Nina and the Duchess might be a bit past their date as well.  Heidi is driving me nuts.  I like that she stood up for Mondo.  I also really enjoyed the producers showing more of the judging.

Who would I have given it to?  No one.  I would have sent them all home to start over.  Think they would let me?

‘Till next cycle…

Auf Wiedersehen

I Gave Birth to a Chinese Prostitute

After listening to Gretchen prattle on about how she “deserves to be here” retching noises and then wondering how it is that her still being here means she deserves it, but somehow Rerun’s presence is just an accident?  I thought “to hell with everyone but Mondo!  I hate them all!”  Then Rerun has to go on and on about how talented Mondo is without a hint of politics or self importance and I realize that I have to like him too even though I don’t want to.

Time to wow the judges folks.  Time to take it all the way to fashion week people!

So, lets pick black, black, and more black.  And I know, let’s pick a bridge, yes…two of you, for inspiration.  Or let’s do something like a whole park, or a whole neighborhood.  Wait, wait!  I know, make a dress inspired by a dress!  That’s the ticket.  These people are soooo snoozy!

These guys had $500 to make an outfit and they all come out with cocktail dresses?  Separates?  Are  you f*cking kidding me?  Go crazy!  Pull some color!  Some feathers!  SOMETHING!

Everything about this show was tired.  The designers are tired, the judges are tired, the producers are tired, Swatch (the Mood dog) is tired…

And the product placement is KILLING ME.  Do the designers really need to know how the hairstylist is going to create their style using all these (insert close up of green bottles here) Garnier products (spokesmodel arm sweep)?  Seriously, whores, can’t we have one episode without the gratuitous shots of the hp tablets, or the pimping of the Piper Lime wall?

Problems:

• Gretchen in velvet harem pants.  MY EYES!
• Andy’s Cool Whip mohawk hairdo.  DON’T!  And no more corsages.  No More.
• Mondo as a punk Little Rascal?  Please.
• Rerun, you want to know if they like your look?  Of course they don’t.  They think you’re an idiot.  Grow a Pair!
• Was April featured in this episode at all?  AND STOP WITH THE BLACK

Not a Problem:

Welcome back my little fierce one!  Christian Soriano was our guest judge.  Love you!  So joining the gay round table.

I could show you all the tired looks:  April with an asymmetrical black dress, Mondo with wacky prints, Andy with the Matrix warrior, Gretchen with the “what the hell was that?” and Rerun with a dress that everyone though was crap that the judges loved.  But I won’t.

April was auf’d, and I have to say that as much as I hate to see Gretchen go, April had run her course.  A witch outfit collection would have seriously sucked, and I doubt she had anything else in her.

So what does this mean?  HOME VISITS!

Yes my lovelies, next week (okay, later today) we get to see Tim Gunn verbally abuse the contestants at their homes while they scheme to get him to participate in ridiculous tasks such as trampolines and biscuit cookery.

Let the games begin.

…and I don’t like steak

 

Really?  Design for Heidi’s line for New Balance?  This PR group is the largest group of self-promoting whores I have ever seen!  Why can’t this PR people keep their personal shit out of the show!?!  The best part was everyone dissing on the designs Heidi showed them.  Sportswear is not normally the first thing you think of as fashion forward, but why should the producers care about that?  And really, this is about Heidi asserting her power over the show and the designers.

Mondo showed his eye rolling side when dealing with his client/boss.  Gretchen was less than professional as well.  You might not like Heidi in the workroom, but she’s there, so you’d better deal with it.  And she is a bitch:  she will bring grudges into the judging, she will let her personal feelings effect her opinions on the work.  So you either let the model with the mean smile make, or break you.

Speaking of bitches, thank god Ivy’s back.  cough cough Would it be possible for her to be a little more bitter?  Her speech about karma will bite someone in the ass, she just better worry that it’ll be her.

A whole cast of characters came back from auf’d land to help make a zillion outfits for Heidi’s line.  There were three looks per designer, way too many to show here.  So here’s the bullet list

• Mondo is so good.  He doesn’t look like someone trying to design clothes, he looks like someone who knows how to design clothes.
• Gretchen is so full of herself it should almost be illegal.  “I’m surprised I’m in the bottom three.”  Yeah, we’re not.
• April is married to black.  There needs to be a divorce in the works  or she will be auf’d soon.
• Heidi is afraid of wearing little shorts?  What hope is there for the rest of us.  (little shorts manufactures around the world throw up a little in their mouths)
• While Andy’s had a hint of Skeletor to them, they were super cute and I would wear all of them.
• The Duchess didn’t like Christopher’s tie bottom pants, I really did.  When I saw them I thought “Neat.”  Other than that, I agreed with the judges.
• Gretchen almost swallowed her tongue when Heidi had the audacity to compare her to Michael.  She also loves to tell the judges that she disagrees with them.  Not too smart, chicka.
• Rerun’s Thanksgiving color palette didn’t do him any favors.  The poncho jacket would sell big numbers, but everything below the waist was a wasteland.

Oh, and the whole cheating to do was a non issue, a non moment, and such a red herring that it was almost insulting as a viewer.  It was about wardrobe tape.  Wardrobe tape?  Are you kidding me?  Sometimes I really hate this show.

Winner:

Andy.

Not to take anything away from Andy, but if Mondo hadn’t won three in a row, I think he would have taken it.

Aufer:

Christopher.  (And the remaining designers all looked like they had been forced to drink sour milk when they saw Rerun come through the door).

I can’t imagine how it feels to be Rerun right now.  He has been attacked on all sides by all people and now he can’t take any happiness from hanging around.  Instead, he has to walk into that workroom with everyone making faces behind his back.  Even though I don’t always think he is a strong designer, he is a crazy strong person to be able to put up with this kind of pressure every day.  My hat’s off to him.  I don’t think I could do it.

Next week they will all be under pressure and the judges won’t like some of their work…blah, blah, blah.  It won’t be hard for them to produce a better episode than this one.

I would like to take a quick moment to comment on last week’s show.  It was one of the best I’ve seen, and I wish nothing but love for Mondo.

Mondo 2, Mean Girls 0

What?  Today’s episode hasn’t aired yet.

I love Mondo.  I’m not sure it has anything to do with his point of view as a designer.  Instead I think I like him for the same reason I like RVing.  There is something very cool and endearing about regular things scaled down…like camper refrigerators and dinettes.  I just want to put the little guy in my pocket!

He does also happen to be a pretty good designer.  He won the “haute couture inspired by crappy eyeshadow” challenge followed by the “surprise” “you also have to make a ready to wear look” by choosing bright:

Home run.  The high fashion look was great, but the ready to wear was insanely good.  How do I get one in “normal person” size?  I need to give it to my friends who wear dresses!

Bright suited everything about Mondo’s style.  Not only did he take on color and win, but the whole thing had a cheeky smile about it.  There were issues, and the judges called him on it.  But when you make your own silly hat, there is no way you’re going to lose.

The runners up were Andy and Gretchen.  Which wouldn’t have been a problem if it weren’t for Gretchen’s garments:

my mouth is hanging open, and I am speechless

What exactly is this supposed to be?  Other than butt ugly, of course.  It is the schlumpiest dress I have ever seen.  The only thing that could make it uglier would be feather work.  Oh look, feather work.  eye roll

The ready to wear was just as unflattering.  They had f-me slits up the sides.  Sorry, but ready to wear means that you can slap it on a hanger and sell it to the masses.  I would love to see someone sit down in that dress.  No way.

The judges loved these.  Once again, they were wrong.

Rerun, The Bridesmaid, and Ivy were the bottom.  Michael’s had the train from hell, but the fabric was great.  Of course, it had hip embellishments, and I am not a fan of those.  But I didn’t think he deserved to go home.

The Bridesmaid and Ivy were left last on the runway.  Honestly, I would be happy to see the back of either of these girls.  If I have to listen the the Bridesmaid spew out one more confessional in her Valley Girl speak, I will go crazy.  But if she goes, we have to suffer through another week of Ivy’s ego.  Six of one, half dozen of the other I suppose.

The Bridesmaid

Ouch.

The Miss Outer Space Virgin pageant called, they like your work.  It was the wrong fabric and the whole structured strap thingie was just all wonky.  Her inspiration was supposed to be crystal…I guess the chick that would pay for this might be named Crystal…

Then there was this little nightmare.  See, there are crystals!  Right there, in a sad trail down the front!

It was unbalanced, undesigned, and sad, sad, sad.

Rolling along with the sad parade…

How do you take such a pretty blue and make such a sloppy mess.  She was inspired by waves crashing or some such nonsense.  It looked like the high school cheerleading squad started to t.p. her dress with blue streamers before being scared off by the fashion police.  The construction on the back was lovely, but the rest of it was just limp.

And this was her ready to wear.  Too short, too blue, same neckline, same problems.  Normally she can kick ass with her sewing, but this time everything failed her.

Either one of these two could have gone home and I would have agreed.  But it was Ivy that got the auf.

The real loser was April.  The girl was robbed.

Apparently tonight is the “you stole my dress” episode.  evil laughter

Jackie in the Park with Mesculin

I realize that I have gotten terribly lazy with the posts about the Runway.  I don’t know if I have simply lost steam, or if I really just don’t care about anyone this cycle.  It just might be a little of both.

Challenge:

Make something Jackie Kennedy would wear today.  Well, she would be about 80 years old today.  Unless they wanted elastic waists, ruffle collared shirts and various things that would hide incontinence unmentionables, I assume they meant outfits that a young and fashionable Jackie would wear should she travel forward in time to today.

It was an interesting challenge.  No one looked consistently better over her lifetime than Mrs. Kennedy (I am not sure why they left off the Onassis, but the producers did, so I will too).  PR bandies about the phrase “style icon” a little liberally, but in this case it’s true.

So what do you make to dress a woman of such grace and elegance?

Harem cargo pants?

I give Andy cojones points for putting this down the runway.  It was certainly “him”.  But there was nothing Jackie about it.  Nothing.

The fit was all wrong.  The crotchal region was all over the place.  And they all called him on it.  They also felt that the vest was “sad” (overused this cycle) and the top was ill-made.  Three for three.  But he made it through.

Quote of the decade:  “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe”.  I love Tim Gunn!

Maybe The Bridesmaid could pull out something better?

Oh honey, do you really see Jackie in a spandex skirt?  She probably didn’t know what a man-made fabric was, so I doubt she would allow one to grace her person.  The color palette was the same purply aubergine and grey that The Bridesmaid seems so fond of that nobody else likes.

The Bridesmaid made a coat, and then Tim Gunn told them they would need to make a complimentary outer wear piece for their look.  She couldn’t use the coat she had already made, so she was kind of screwed.  I don’t know what I would have done…does a hat count as  outer wear?  Instead of coming up with something innovative and interesting, she put a vest over the coat and the whole thing just turned out homeless hooker.

Hard to believe it got worse than that.  But it did.

Oh Michael.  Poor, sweet, delusional Michael.  Why would you create this garment?  Why would you create it for Jackie Kennedy?  Jackie O in a layered tank?  The former first lady in a drop waist curtain pleated skirt?  Was he high?  Doesn’t matter now:  He gone.

A quick aside… Coach, if you need any good pot luck main dish recipes I know a couple of doozies.

Christopher made the top with this little number

Wait…he made it to the top three with THAT?  Seriously, this was the outfit that the judges put in the top three?  This one?  Right here?

Wow.  There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to start.  I don’t think the colors would have done anything for Mrs. Kennedy.  It was WAY too short, and had this weird scarf thingie coming off the one shoulder.  Don’t even get me started on the dead animal he bunched up around the model’s shoulders.  To me it looked like some kind of home made Xena costume.  Well, Halloween is coming up soon…

The top two were much better.  Much much better.

Ivy (aka LapDog)

While making sure to hold up her end of the bitch pole this week, Lap Dog found the time to make one hell of an outfit.  This was a beautiful, interesting pairing.  Even without the over-the-top Jackie O styling you could see the former first lady in this.

Beautifully made and just gob smacking stunning, this is her best garment yet.  I could take or leave the coat, though I did like her choice of color:  it broke up the severity of the black and white.

I liked the winner the best

Dear Mondo!  That sweet little waif of a boy has found his inner voice and started shrieking “I am here!”

This won not just because it was Jackie-esque, but because it was that and Mondo.  If we had known nothing about who made what, when that garment came out you would know it was Mondo’s.  And that was what this challenge was about.  Make it timeless, but make it yours.  Who else would think to pair those patterns?  But it works, because it fits perfectly and looks expensive.

Bravo, my darling.  Bravo.

I will try to be more timely this week.  But with the start of the new schedule for every show I like, I don’t see that happening. But I will try.

Balls to the Wall…

Okay, okay, OKAY!  Here’s the PR post.  Sheesh, you would think there were more than just 8 people waiting to read this…

Before we begin, I have to comment on the bizah teaser ad situation last week.  The ads for PR all showed snippets of someone accusing someone else of stealing their design.  They played ominous music and showed everyone looking very serious.  But then, the episode came and went without any mention of said plagurism.  Nothing.  Nada.  Which begs the question, did they run the wrong teaser?  Or did they cut out all the “s/he copied my dress” stuff on the advice of legal.  There is no way to know until either the episode runs, or doesn’t run.

The challenge:  resort wear.  This was an opportunity for Michael Kors to charter a boat for the day and hand out aviator sunglasses that he “designed”.  Sorry to break it to you Michael, but the Navy beat you to it you self-promoting whore.

They were all a little “so what” about the challenge until it became clear that a velvet bag was coming into play.  That means teams.  That means trouble.

This time it meant that no one was going to sew their actual design.  Instead they would be the sample maker for another designer while overseeing the sample maker making their design.  Whew, that’s a mouth full.  Everyone quaked in silent horror waiting to see if they would be forced into being Rerun’s partner.  The honor went to Mondo, who instantly had a hissy fit and told Rerun just what he thought of him.  It was not nice, to say the least.  After getting the air all cleared, the two sat down and actually made a good team.  Mondo eventually ate his words about Rerun, and while we’re talking about eating could someone feed that boy?  He’s skinny enough to slide down the shower grate.

The other team of note was Christopher and Ivy.  What a f*cking b*tch.  A perfectionist with control issues, she just about suffocated poor Christopher.  She dumbed down her design so much out of fear for his lack of skill that there was no design.  All the while she hovered over poor Christopher like a psychotic hummingbird.

Other than that it was pretty snoozy.  Except of course when Casanova started talking about balls.

The Winner:

April

This is why the judges should never be allowed in the workroom.  While I appreciated her goth-baby doll point of view, I firmly believe the only reason she won was because she and Kors agreed she should take another shot at “April makes a diaper”.  He was so impressed with her being on the same Duchess wavelength that there was no way she was going to lose.

Andy…

…should have won.  How do I get a hold of this outfit (and the bod to pull it off)?  Holy crap I loved this.  Look at those colors!  Look at the fit!  Love love love.  This is someone who is ready for champagne on a yacht in Monte Carlo.  And I want to be her.

The also-ran was Christopher, which was interesting considering his partner was in the bottom.

I wasn’t really thrilled with this look.  Maybe it played better in person.  It was pretty and all, lots interesting going on up top.  But he benefited from Ivy’s outstanding construction and it’s hard to benefit from a partner still twisting in the wind.

Ivy was in the bottom with the colorless schmoo outfit.

Wow, could you get more zzzzzzz inducing than this?  I like the color, but there was so MUCH of it.  To use Nina’s favorite word, it was a little “sad”.  What was truly sad was the way Ivy hurled Christopher onto the third rail.  Even sadder is Heidi’s reliance on a certain idiom involving a mode of public transportation.  Enough!

The “skirt” was a joke.  The tank was only a tank.  True, Christopher said he wasn’t super confident in his pant tailoring skills, but he has made other, interesting garments.  She treated him like a Sewing 1 student.  A little trust would have gone a long way, baby.  And trashing your partner on the runway makes you look like a weasel.  You don’t want to look like a weasel on the runway, but maybe that’s just me.

Mondo also ended up at the bottom of the heap.  But unlike Ivy he had nothing but good things to say about Rerun.

There are fewer good things to say about this outfit.  It’s a little Junior like the Pope is a little Catholic.  My 12 year old niece could certainly rock this swimsuit.  The colors were too primary and too crazy.  I liked the idea, but it didn’t work.

As for poor Casanova…

I didn’t think it looked as old as the judges.  Does this really say seventy year old?  No, it doesn’t.  But it certainly doesn’t say resort either.  Unless you vacation at the library.  This was the time for Casanova to channel the slut/stripper aesthetic he showed in the first challenge.

Adios, Casanova.  No one could butcher English the way you could.

On to another episode.  I am noticing that the retrospectives on the auf’ed designer are getting longer the further we go.  Maybe 90 minutes is ambitious with just 9 designers.  At least their won’t be a team challenge next week:  odd number.

A Cluster F*ck of Egos

Don’t make Tim angry.  You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Finally a challenge worth watching.  Two teams of six.  Two collections.  Too many egos.

The minute they picked the teams you knew who was going to win the challenge.  “The Island of Misfit Toys”, as my brother put it, walked away with this one.  What was truly hilarious was how blind to their own crapiness the “All Stars” were.  They couldn’t stop talking about how marvelously they were working together, and how superior their collection was.  Sure, they worked well together as long as they did what Gretchen wanted.  Keep the beast subdued and maybe they could get through the challenge.  Maybe…

Nope.  They couldn’t.

They chose to do a collection inspired by menswear for women and “camel”.  Can you hear me yawning from there?  Can you?  Menswear is the ultimate snooze of fashion, and camel is one shade away from beige.  They picked the ugliest fabrics, the worst print and a WTF collection came down the runway.

I wish I could find something redeeming about these clothes.  Maybe…if you….perhaps…  Nope.  There’s nothing.  The last look was Rerun’s.  The other designers spent the entire show lamenting his lack of technical skill and design talent.  Yet he was the only one to put a wearable garment down the runway (his is the last one pictured).  Granted, it’s not going to blow anyone away, but at least it didn’t have you running for the loo.

AJ was sent home after trading jabs with Gretchen on the runway.  He put forward the shirt dress (first picture) that was so crazy bad.

What made all of this interesting was that they could not BELIEVE that they were the losing team.  Gretchen tried to keep her ass out of the flames by convincing everyone not to name names, and then promptly hurled anyone she could reach onto the third rail during the judging.  The duchess and Nina weren’t buying what she was selling, thank God.  And then…then…well, we will talk about that later.

Team “Island of Misfit Toys” chose military and lace.  WIth a group including April, Cassanova, Mondo, and Peach, you worried that the only thing military would be the National Guard called in to clean up after the train wreck.  But they pulled it off.  Cassanova winning the challenge after the mother of all hissy fits with this

Tim thought it was matronly.  I thought it was great.  But then again, I have moved into a new demographic.

I have other issues with Tim this episode, but let’s see another popular winning design

Good on you Peach!  Though I wasn’t a huge fan, it was nice to see her get something other than negative attention.

One last example

I have to say I felt that they didn’t win so much as they managed not to lose.  These garments weren’t blazing any trails, but they got them all through and gave us the most entertaining looser runway in seasons.  Thanks guys, you made it all worth it.

Now onto Mr. Gunn.  At first I was ecstatic that he called out Gretchen after the judging was complete:

I have a few words for Team Luxe.  I fundamentally do not understand your behavior and demeanor and affect on the runway.  I don’t get it.  I don’t know why you let Gretchen to manipulate control and bully you.  I don’t understand it.  And AJ, you’ve taken the bullet.  And now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space!

My King Arthur was pissed.  And I don’t think he handled it properly.

Now, before you start saying, “…it was true, it was what needed to be said…”  Yes, perhaps it was.  But he is there to mentor the designers, not just the designers that he likes.  By calling her out in public he has lost her trust, and now she will be at a disadvantage in upcoming challenges.  And we aren’t just talking about a good grade at stake here people, we are talking about a life changing opportunity.

And is it Gretchen’s fault that the other designers are sheep?  Not one of them was willing to fight for what they wanted.  Would it have made a difference?, maybe not.  But to a certain extent they wanted to let Gretchen dominate.  It wouldn’t take long for the judges to figure out who was the defacto leader, and they were more than willing to let Gretchen take the heat or the credit.

True, she might not give a sh*t and just plug along like nothing happened.  In her comments she was upset at what he said, but took no responsibility for her over bearing ways.

My brother in law is a studio teacher, and he said that sometimes you just have to do that.  But all I can go on is what the editors show me, and it didn’t seem like this was something Tim Gunn had been concerned about earlier.  As far as I know he didn’t take Gretchen or any of her team mates aside and talk to them about his concerns.  That would have been the way to start, and if she wouldn’t change, perhaps a public lashing would be warranted.

This whole thing just didn’t sit right with me, even though I have to admit, I enjoyed it.  Oh yes, I enjoyed it.